Calvin's Dad

I grew up reading Calvin and Hobbes and one of my great parenting takeaways was that from Calvin's dad who would make him do miserable stuff in the name of building character. And as parents, we sometimes, meanly create character building occasions for JED.

Tangentially, as a very banana-kantang family, Chinese as a struggle for JED. We don't speak much of it but the demands of it in school are getting increasingly great. And having struggled with it as kids, we know how important it is to get the basics right.

Evan doesn't like languages. He doesn't like reading as much as his sister and he hates writing. He's very male in that he's very terse. Why write it in so many words when a simple 'no' could suffice? And add to that, writing in a second language with pictographic characters?  So even as a 7 year old, I suspect he is already at the point where he doesn't like the Chinese language.

Unfortunately for him, we aren't going to pay money to get some hack to certify him unfit to do a second language. And we'll try to help him as much as possible. That help comes in the form of tuition, unfortunately because mine truly sucks and Packrat's is worse than I am. We discovered a tuition centre that teaches Chinese composition, something that he'll have to do in the coming year. We tried it out during the holidays and it's a pretty decent class but it's extremely rigorous and requires them to write quite a bit.

Evan hated the holiday class on account of the writing. He complained that it was exhausting and he was always last to finish. For him, anything that requires a bit more effort and tires him out is probably not worth doing.

This is where Calvin's Dad looms.

Evan chucked a manic fit when he found out that we had enrolled both Jordan and himself for the weekly version of the holiday class. The tears and tantrums came fast and furious because it was difficult. 

While everyone tells me that I have the manic evil eye and am the quintessential tiger mom, when the kids cry, I feel for them and I felt for him. I started to question if perhaps it was too difficult for him and if he was ready for such rigour. There could be an easier and more palatable alternative. 

Packrat unfortunately, is the sterner version of Calvin's dad. He doesn't want Evan to run away from it because it's difficult. He wants Evan to realise that work is work and you gotta work hard to do well. And that getting by and being mediocre because it is just easier that way is unacceptable. As he said all this to Evan, my heart hurt for the sobbing boy. 

But deep in my heart, I knew that Packrat was right and that it was the right thing to do. And I would probably say that to my students. So it was just me, being totally Mommy about it. And if we had withdrawn him on account of his having chucked a fit, what sort of message would we be sending to him? 

So, come tomorrow, he's going for it with Jordan and another friend. Even though it's Christmas Eve. I guess a Chinese language school isn't all that big on Christmas. And the only way he's ever going to know that I'm not as mean as I sound (for having him go for the class) is when he starts reading this blog. 

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Something old and something new

Most of our JED holidays are to places that aren't all that exotic or exciting. We tend to play it safe and simple with them because it's just easier that way.

But even then, there are always new things for them to experience.

1. Bang around a piano in the middle of a market

and have people toss coins at them. (Perhaps, begging them to stop)

2. Play in a fruit warehouse

and play hide and seek around a trailer truck. (Yes, this was under parental supervision and the truck was stationary)


3. Sleep in a basement 

where you could hear people walk over the ceiling. (Ghosts, they insisted.)

4.  Feed the fowl that they eat

and the ones that could eat them.

5.  Play in a huge open field

 

flanked by electric fencing to keep the cows in (the fences weren't on.)

6.  Go nuts at a mega playground

3 days in a row and not fully cover the whole playground

7. Have sheep just outside your window grazing

 

and fall so hopelessly in love with them that you are loathe to leave them. (Harry and Harriet are their names)

8. Take a photograph in the exact same spot

 

they did, 4 years ago, almost to the day. 

9. Play footie in the yard

despite 120km/h gale force winds bending the trees behind them.

10. Rough and tumble on grass

 that is 'oh so soft!'

11. Have a dog walk

all four of them at the same time.

And for us, it was just great fun just watching them have so much fun.

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Nightmare Chasers

One of the reasons why as parents, we are often sleep deprived is the 'monster under the bed' that wreaks havoc and causes nightmares. The other reason and possibly more real reason for nightmares is the overstimulated child before bed. There is some truth to not getting them over excited before bed or in the seemingly ridiculous words of my mother 'don't laugh so much before bed.'. And sometimes, there really isn't any reason for the nightmares, they just happen.

Whatever it is, we have to deal with the nightmares and that requires us to get up and soothe said child. It is often why I end up with at least one child in our bed.

As babies, it was much more difficult to figure out the nightmares or the disturbed sleep and there was much of it.

But now that they are older, they are able to vocalise their fears and describe their nightmares. Bad dreams, as they put it, that send them scurrying between our covers and firmly wedging themselves between us, the parents. As a means of self-preservation, we've come up with ways of helping and soothing them of the threat of bad dreams. And that helps us. 

Evan has taken to asking us to pray for him before he falls asleep. He asks specifically for us to pray that he won't have bad dreams. He also doesn't like being the last to sleep because that spooks him out. 

Jordan went through a spate where her nightmares would spook her out in the day. So what we did,  in broad daylight was to ask her to draw her nightmare (Her drawings were always more explicit than her verbal descriptions). Then we told her to crush it up and throw it into the rubbish chute. After that, we told her that her nightmare was destroyed. 

We do the same thing with Muffin, except we 'pluck' the bad dreams out of his head. He tells us that he has been having bad dreams and we tell him we pluck it out of his head, actions and all, and toss it out of the window. Beware bad dream 'killer litter' being hurled out of our windows. He thinks it's funny and he joins in; we stop him when he becomes over-enthused and over-excited doing it because then it defeats the purpose. 

On top of that, there's the usual shushing, rubbing of backs and legs to calm them down. Packrat has realised how turning on the air-conditioning seems to miraculously also chase bad dreams away. 

And when all else fails, climbing into bed and cuddling Mommy really tightly seems to do the trick, despitethe fact that Mommy looks like she lived through a bad dream the next morning. 

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A list of names

The twins have been campaigning for a pet. A dog, a cat, a butterfly...anything.



I've said no, repeatedly. My reason is that the house is too small and I already have to take care of 3 puppies of my own. The latest excuse I've added to my arsenal is that our helper does not and will not look after pets. She has asked them to choose between her and the pet. It has unfortunately backfired because the preciously myopic twins always choose the pet over her.

It hasn't stopped them for trying.

I found this tacked onto a clipboard and left on my desk one night. Evidently, the twin's latest ploy to get a dog is to surreptitiously leave hints round the house for me to pick up.This time, name, breed, sex have been listed quite clearly.

I love the list. It's a mixture between the names of dogs they know, friends' names and what appear to be commands for the dog or owner. My favourite is " Dex Dewey Tan" and the one that made me laugh the most is "No".

I remember being this dogged (heh.) at their age too; wanting a puppy since our neighbour had a Japanese Spitz that was going to have puppies. I never got the puppy I wanted either, though my brother did bring home dogs and we ended up having ridiculous names for them too.

I'm not sure if I'm more a dog person or a cat person but for now, I'm pretty much an 'anti-pet' person by circumstance.

I've told them that they can get their own pets when they get their own house. When I say that, Packrat looks at me with equally pleading puppy dog eyes. It's hard to be the only voice of reason in the house but the fear and thought of looking after another poopy, peeing, noisy, smelly, drooly and unreasonable young 'un is what has prevented me from caving. And I pray my resolve will stay strong.

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Tales from the first day

We have survived the first day. We managed to get both in school on time and no one got attacked by zombies. So here's the report in specifics.

For Jordan

Her school refused to allow any parent to set foot into the school compound. We could stand at the gate in the sun and kid-watch hoping to get a glimpse of her braids swinging by but we didn't. We stopped the car and let her walk in by herself. She did good though there were great pangs of guilt plus everything else watching her walk away and watching every other mom insist on walking their girls in till they got hit by the invisible forcefield of the school also known as the security guard.

For the 7 hours after that her day remained a mystery to us. And we only have her word to go by.

So this is her version of what happened in school.
1. Her buddy is Kelly. She might be in Primary 4 or Primary 5.
2. She had fish ball noodles for recess. And there wasn't a lot. But it did come with an apple.
3. Her fish ball noodles cost $1. We gave her $2. She came home with $1.20. Magic Primary 1 math at work here.
4. The girls on her school bus have the Frozen soundtrack on their phones.
5. The toilets are dirty and she wishes she could go to Evan's school because the toilets there are clean. (I told her they were clean because Evan's school had no girls in it).

For Evan

His school was the complete opposite of hers. It was a total zoo with the PAPArazzi in full force. We thought that since Jordan walked in on her own, we would let Evan do the same. That thought lasted for about 5 seconds after he got out of the car because the place was swarming with parents and he was the only kid without even one. So I hopped right out, caught up with him and took him to where the boys had to be dropped off. It was a good thing I did because that poor 4 footer of boy would not have been able to push through the walls of parents barricading the door in a bid to photograph their son sitting in line with his class.

The whole experience had the air of celebrity stalking to it. People were jostling for the best spot at the barricade. Yes, the canteen had to be barricaded to prevent parents from stepping forward to carry the bowls of noodle soup for their boys. Parents were about 4 deep in the barricade and in the half an hour long recess, we spotted Evan for a grand total of about 15 seconds; walking to his class' canteen bench, walking away to buy his food, walking back, walking off to deposit his plate. (His inhaling his plate of Chicken Char Siew Rice was not witnessed because he was completely blocked from our already obstructed view).

So what did Evan get up to in his 7 hours of school?

1. He managed to get his shirt untucked in the true school boy way 15 seconds after getting out of the car. (Packrat assures me that it is inevitable unless he tucks his shirt into his underwear and that was when I snorted tea into my nose).

2. He managed to unknowingly get into trouble even before recess came to an end; we could not find him in the oceans of boys in the canteen and found him playing in the playground under the watchful eyes of his buddy. Within a minute, they got hollered at because they were apparently not allowed to be there. Both looked suitably contrite and lost as to where to go next.
3. He does not know the name of his buddy nor his seat partner. It could be Trevon or Trevor though Jordan swears that his name is "Dunno" or "Don't Remember".
4. He has by some stroke of genius managed to lose his new set of colour pencils.
5. He is first off the bus and to him. In his book, it is counted as a victory, against what I have no idea.

For us.
1. Jordan is way more a morning person than Evan is. He moaned and groaned about being tired all the way to school. Both had stomachaches but we put that down to nerves.
2. We need to leave the house earlier than we did today. It has been a long time since I've worried about being late for school. And this time, detention isn't meted out on us.
3. We are not hardy parents. We cannot stand for hours craning our necks just so that we take a nice photograph of our kid on his/ her first day. We will suck at being stalkers or the paparazzi. We surrendered the minute he was safely under the charge of his Primary 4 buddy. My back hurt from slouching in the crowd and I cannot imagine how that Bottega-toting, Manolo mom beside me outlasted me in perfect posture.
4. Were we to do this again, either tomorrow or when it is Muffin's turn, I need six inch platforms so that I can see above the heads of other parents. But I will also need a stretcher and a foot reflexologist on call.
5. Parents buy telephoto lenses so that they can photograph their kid from the gate. Packrat claims that it will end up clonking people on their heads whether purposely or accidentally.
6. I am thankful that Evan's buddy was so watchful and helpful. Packrat thinks I watch too much TV because I was worried and worried that his buddy would steal his lunch money.
7. There was much anxiety when Jordan's bus arrived an hour late and the poor girl was almost in tears due to a bladder 1ml away from exploding. It has made me wish once again for a school nearby.

So the first day has ended. They are a little bit more ready to face their second. And for that to happen smoother than it did today, I have to go to bed now.

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Sharing the bed

I am a self-indulgent mother. I like time to myself. I like time to get my nails done or sit at cafe with a book and just read. But sometimes, there really isn't much time for these pockets of indulgence; what with our helper hospitalised and the general circus that is the house.

In the absence of Me-time, there is one thing that I look forward to every night. That is to sink into my bed, enjoy my very expensive mattress and luxuriate in it till I lose consciousness.

I love it so much that there have been nights where I have had to choose between air-conditioning in JED's room (their room is smaller and therefore cooler) and having the bed all to myself, I have chosen the latter even if it means that I sleep without air-conditioning.

That usually means not sleeping with Packrat. While I love to sleep beside him, I don't love fighting for space on the bed with JED.

Unfortunately, not moving into their room never guarantees that I get the bed all to myself all night long. By the early hours of the morning, there is at least one child on the bed with me, usually Muffin and by 6 am, Evan would have joined us and on occasion, because she wakes up alone in her big bed, Jordan traipses over too. That's when I get evicted because there is no space on the bed.

Mums with older children say I will miss them when they stop migrating over. But right now, I want to roll around my own bed, have my covers and pillows all to myself without having to worry that I would flatten or kick a kid in the face (as they have often done to me).

Simple dreams. Simple dreams.

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A life without kids

There is an article floating around from Time Magazine about the Childfree Life. It's what makes up the worst nightmare of policy makers in developed countries like Singapore. But it also truthfully talks about how women who choose not to have children are judged and are often labelled as selfish.

It got me thinking about what life would be without JED. In the last decade, I've gone from not wanting kids, to wanting kids and realising that it wasn't going to happen to having twins and realising how full my hands were to having a third as a surprise and being exhausted ever since. That isn't to say that I haven't been happy and fulfilled. But there are days, when I'm particularly exhausted, frustrated and have my nerves ground raw by fighting with them (the most traumatic fights are not amongst JED but between myself and either of the JEDs), that I wonder what would life have been like if I had taken up Packrat all those years ago on just accepting our childless status. He had told a heartbroken sobbing me (we had been told by an unsympathetic heartless obgyn-that combination should never ever exist- that we would never have kids naturally) that if we didn't have kids, we would be able to travel to the ends of the world.

Now, 3 children later, I constantly dream about long vacations. But if I really thought about it and were truthful to myself, there are reasons why a childfree life does sometimes seem appealing

I wondered if I felt the same way and I polled some of my mommy friends. I asked them to be honest,  not tell me what they felt they were expected to say about motherhood being perfectly fulfilling and them not wanting nothing more.

There were 3 categories of answers.

There were the flippant and short-term answers.
1. I could sleep in more.
2. I wouldn't have aged so quickly.
3. I could wake up late on the weekends and go out for brunch.
4. I could take naps in the afternoon.
5. I wouldn't need to go to the spa just so that I could get uninterrupted sleep.
6. I wouldn't have a flabby tummy/ thighs/ hips.

And many other illustrations that revolved heavily around the need for sleep. That in itself is telling.

Then there were more serious ones.
1. I wouldn't worry so much. Children exponentially increased the number of things we worry about. They get sick. They sometimes have difficulties that require diagnosis and therapy. We have to see them through school which can be especially hair wrenching in a system like Singapore's.
2. I would have more money.
3. It wouldn't take a year of planning go on a vacation. We could do it at a drop of a hat.
4. We could go trekking in Timbucktoo or the Patagonias.
5. We could go to grad school without having to worry about logistics and support.
6. We wouldn't be so short fused and frustrated all the time.
7. We would be nicer to our spouses and more tolerant of their sometime clueless nature that we found a little bit more endearing pre-kids.
8. Our spouses, whom we married because we loved them and wanted to spend our lives with them wouldn't be relegated to second place and to varying degrees neglected. On this note, even my phone's autocorrect has placed the children before the spouse or in this case, affection towards the spouse.

But the ones that sometimes make me shut my eyes really tight and wish I could go back to pre-kid days are
1. Never being able to see any type of conflict beyond how much a child suffers in it. I declared stupidly, at the beginning of the Syrian conflict that I would stop following the news till they stopped reporting the death and suffering of the children. That was 2 years ago. My profession requires me to keep up with the news, especially the human interest side of things. And hearing about children dying from Sarin gas poisoning or being forced into slavery, prostitution, behead people and the likes makes me ache and cry as if they were my children. And they all become my children. Every time I hear something happen, I imagine how I would feel if that happened to JED.

2. I have never been able to look at stem cell or genetic research in the same way again. Previously, I could think about it extremely academically; a bunch of cells extracted and grown in the name of science. But knowing that the twins were these little 8 cell balls that were grown in a petri dish and put back into me made me think of every single one of those stem cell research projects as taking cells that grew to become what Jordan and Evan are today.

3. Sometimes, my imagination gets the better of me and in a situation where something could have gone an inch the wrong way and there could have been great tragedy that would involve JED, I am paralysed with imagined horror.

4. Nightmares that used to involve only myself and or Packrat (and those were bad enough) now have taken on a new level of terror when they involve JED and the sense of helplessness in my dream is a million-fold. 

At the end of the day, I now take every single injustice, pain and suffering inflicted on children personally and it's hard to carry a load like that in a world like ours.

So, since it causes us so much grief, would we ever trade it?

Most moms are unanimous with me on that one. No, they wouldn't trade it for the world. Their lives would be a lot easier yes, but the nights would be darker and the silence would kill them. 

True.

But being fully aware of my own occasional ambivalence makes it a lot harder for me to judge those, who by choice, decide that they do not want kids. It's another way to go. It's different. But who am I to judge them for that? In many ways, they have a point too.

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Time Warp

Once upon a time, Packrat and I used to go on mid-week dates to the movies. We left it up to chance because Golden Village used to do this thing where they held Surprise Movies- these movies were cheaper than regular tickets because we really didn't know what we were getting ourselves into. We would spend the whole day IMDB-ing it and guessing what it was but we never knew for sure until the lights went down and the title of the movie flashed; thereupon a great cheer would swell from the viewers who guessed correctly.

One of the Surprise Movies we watched was Star Trek by JJ Abrams.

Yesterday, I found myself in a time warp.

I found myself watching Star Trek again, this time as a prequel to the new one Into the Darkness. This was the first movie marathon we'd done in a long time. We used to go for movie marathons, we used to organise movie dates with lots of friends. But we haven't gone to one  in recent times. It's hard to stay up for one movie, let alone a whole bunch of them.

But I felt pre-kids for an entire evening, although not without the expected guilt of not getting JED to bed.

There was free pop corn, a free soda and lots of fan boy cheering as Leonard Nimoy came on screen and the second and newly released movie started running. It was a big theatre, it was cold, dark and great for snuggling up.

The movies were great fun too. 

Unfortunately, there was also reality to step back through when we got home at 1 am and all 3 JED kids were up and Jordan was crying from a bad dream, Muffin was setting beside her stroking her head and Evan was so annoyed with her cries, he had sought refuge in our helper's room so that he couldn't hear her cries anymore. As I lay down with them still in my day's clothes at 1.30 am, I knew that it would be massive pay back in the morning. I was right. It didn't matter that they had only fallen back to sleep at 2.30 am and I went to bed at 3; they were up at 7 am despite us trying to fool them by pulling all the blinds down.

My only consolation is that they should crash quite early tonight. That and the memories of a great night that reminded me of how we used to be fun people before JED came along!

 Technorati Tags: JED, date nights

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Going Steah-dy

Easter is a very nostalgic time for me.

14 Easters ago, I went "steah-dy" for the very last time.

I didn't mean to but swept up in the finery of an undergraduate ball and having been secretly nominated to be King and Queen of the Ball, he kissed me, I giggled and laughed and smeared lipstick all over his mouth and his lapel. The rest they say is history. 

And to always remember the journey of our relationship from our first encounter to the proposal, we immortalized it on our wedding invitations.

One of the reasons I didn't get married at Easter was because my mother was convinced no church would marry us on one of the busiest weekends of the church calendar.

The other reason was because I badly wanted to get married on Easter, 4th of April and the next Easter on the 4th of April would be in 2021. Call me impatient but I didn't want to wait that long.
 

Hooking up with Regina's Princess to Queen series.

Technorati Tags: JED, couplehood

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