Not supposed to

I know I am not supposed to get angry.

I know I am not supposed to yell.

I know I am not supposed to bang on the table.

I know I am not supposed to feel like I want to cane.

But

I do get angry.

I do yell to the point that it echoes round the block.

I do slam the table, so hard I have a bone bruise on my finger.

I do want to cane.

Then

I feel the tears.

I feel the frustration.

I feel the pain.

I feel the distress.


These aren't useful emotions; they don't equip me to do anything useful or to help JED in the ways that they need it. But much as I would like to say that I am the master of my emotions, I am not. So, on days when I really just lose it, I am thankful that Packrat is there to even the keel.

I know what I need to do.

I know I need to stop rescuing.

I know I need to let failing be the teacher.

I know I need to allow natural consequences to follow.


I just need the guts.