Playing Big Sister

We're trying to prepare the twins for their new sibling. It's been a bit of a challenge because they're at that age where they are at the cusp of understanding. They understand things at a very superficial and literal level. They have head knowledge that they are going to get a sibling. But I'm almost certain they have no comprehension of how their lives would change irrevocably.

Anyway, part of how we're getting them ready is to talk about how they will be involved with the baby. It's easier with Jordan. She falls naturally into the more nurturing role between the two of them. She likes babies, she wants to console them when they cry and she can stand and watch them, riveted for lengths of time. Evan, while he likes babies too, sees them as toys. He is however, terrified of himself as a baby, bursting into tears every time he chances upon a video of him as an infant. He will then, pitifully and tearfully, while sobbing, tell us that he doesn't like Mommy carrying a baby. I have my work cut out for me with him.

I know some feminists out there would be extremely disapproving that I bought Jordan a little baby doll at a garage sale. Well, I had fun with mine and I don't see why she should be deprived. Plus I thought it would be a good introduction to how she can care for her own life sized baby doll coming early next year. It's a bit of both a hit and a miss with her. She likes her baby doll sometimes and will rock it to sleep. Other times, she'll just toss it by the side of her bed and not look at it for days. Yesterday, I bought her some milk bottles. The type that when you tip over, the milk disappears magically into the cover and when you put it right side up again, the milk flows back out.

Both Evan and Jordan were more fascinated by the bottle more than feeding the doll milk initially. But Jordan soon got into it and was seen trying to position Baby Doll on her lap, the way I cradle her when she's all manja (re: extremely affectionate and clingy) and feeding the doll.



















At the same time, she was trying to keep her doll's eyes open by sticking her fingers into the doll's eyes as it lay down. This comes from me constantly telling her that she must finish her milk before she falls asleep (lest the milk cause all her teeth to rot out of her little mouth!) She hasn't yet figured that all you need to do is to sit the doll up a little bit and the eyes would be open.

We've bought gifts for them that are supposed to be from their new sibling. I think the adjustment will be difficult. Evan already feels neglected when Jordan is in one of her moods and Jordan gets upset and tells her brother to go to his father when he tries to lay on my lap ala her. Everyone tells me that it's better because they do have one another and they do grow up and mature when the next sibling troops along. Whatever it is, I'm not looking forward to having to play mediator in the change of dynamics that is to be upon us soon.



Technorati Tags: twins, new sibling

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Different strokes for different folks.

The one thing good about having your own mother help you care for your own children is that you and her, well, most of the time, are on the same page with regards to parenting. I mean, a lot of how I parent the twins, I picked up from my mom or from how my mom dealt with me, my brothers and how she brought us up. I'm certain that even then, there will be conflict and differences as to how to bring up the children.

But these differences are exacerbated when the caregivers have had different experiences with child rearing. This has been made clear to me over and over again through the first 2 1/2 years of the twins' life and it was once again illustrated today.

As I'd said before, the twins, especially Evan miss their father. It is unusual for him to burst into tears and throw tantrums but it has been the case the last few days. Because of that, I've been trying to make things easier for him. If his tantrums aren't discipline related (as in he hasn't bonked his sister on the head on purpose), I try to be reasonable with him. This afternoon, he was tearful and asked for my in-law's maid to get him to sleep rather than myself or his grandma. Grandma was mercilessly and brusquely banished downstairs, ordered to "go eat dinner, please" which is his way of telling you to get out of the room. Sometime later, I was given my own marching orders and just the helper to stay behind.

When I came down, I was told that I shouldn't have agreed to him having the helper over us get him to sleep. On principle I agree. But it's not a daily occurrence and he doesn't see her all the time. On top of that, he's usually quite good about either Grandma or I getting him to sleep. But she doesn't agree. On top of that, she lectures me about how, as mother, I should be possessive about my time with him and insist on it, explaining to him that I am his mother and I should be preferred over any other caregiver.

I don't agree with that on many levels. On the most practical level, I cannot just be his sole flavour of the month and be the only one that can feed, bathe, clothe, get to bed, play with, help him pee and poo, play with him etc. It feels nice to be the only person who can do all that for a child but realistically, I have another child and one on the way.

Then I also ask myself on days that I feel like I should be the only person in his life whether it would be healthy for him and whether I am actually doing him a disfavour by making him so dependent and expectant of just one person.

But what resonates with me most of all is my mother's own experience with me which she has shared with me many times. I was brought up by a nanny who lived with us during the week and went home on the weekend. When she went home on the weekend, I insisted on going along, totally insensitive and impervious to the fact that my parents who worked all week would have liked for me to stay home and be with them over the weekend. And rather than fight me on it, my mother allowed it. Her explanation, it would stress me out unnecessarily and my attachment to the nanny was natural since she was with me all the time. She also rationalised that it was a phase and I would grow out of it and I would also instinctively know who my mother was. Everything she said was true and while I loved my nanny to bits, through the years after she'd left us, my fondness for her was more a memory than a real emotion. My relationship with my mother however, grew and she is still the one I turn to, even now, a mother myself, when I am upset or in need of reassurance.

And primarily because of what my mom said about not stressing me (the then child) out then, I practice the same thing with the children; avoid stressing them out as much as possible. Even without that sort of stress put on me as a child, I have grown up relatively high-strung. Would I have already had an aneurysm at 30 had it not been for my mother's early wisdom? Whatever it is, my parenting of the twins has a great amount to do with how I was parented and while it may not make sense to outsiders, it is something that worked for her and is working for me.

Of course, this isn't a free Get Out of Jail card. There are clear lines (not OB markers!) that I have drawn for the twins and when they cross those, regardless of how stressed my punishment makes them, they're going to have to face it anyway. This evening was one such instance.

I'd been mostly understanding about his need to throw tantrums or chuck a fit. But I wasn't going to have it when he told his well-meaning grandfather in no uncertain terms to a) Go home b) Not to follow him to Ah Ma's house c) Not to touch him or carry him. Thankfully, my dad is VERY deaf and only heard what must have sounded like "I go home to Ah Ma's house" because that was what my deaf Dad repeated. I made him apologise any way, puzzling my father and causing him to sulk, pout and ignore me after.

But well, that's another page out of my Mom's How to be a Mom handbook which I swear by most of the time.

Technorati Tags: twins, terrible twos, attachment, parenting styles

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The missing link

Packrat is travelling. I know many families with at least one parent that travels on a regular basis. Most children adapt to it. Because Packrat's travels for work are only about once a year, the twins are some what disturbed by it. No doubt, the both of us occasionally leave them with their grandparents and skip off for a weekend. When it is the both of us gone, they seem to know that it's a vacation and we'll be back soon and meanwhile, they get to run amok at Grandma's.

This time, there seems to be some cognitive dissonance and difficulty adjusting. I am here. Their father isn't and we're staying with the grandparents for the week. Both children show it in different ways and it is a little bit exhausting. Evan is generally happy, happy to do his thing and run around. But occasionally, he shows his true feelings.

Sending the twins to school is usually a Papa-Mommy affair. Papa makes a big deal of it, taking the route with the most humps because going over humps seems to send them into a great chuckling fit. He'll also open up the sun roof for them so that they can see out the roof. So, getting into school yesterday, Evan realised that the equation was incomplete, clung onto me and started to wail. This is usually behaviour that Jordan displays. The clingyness, the crying and the staving off anyone who tries to pry him away from me. Plaintively, he asks "Where's Papa?" so heartbroken that his father isn't in school to send him off that it breaks my heart.

Jordan, on the other hand is quite pleased that I'm around all the time. I sleep in their room and am the first thing she sees when she wakes up. The only problem with that is because she knows I am around, she wants me all the time and she wants me for everything. Bath, meals, naps. When I am in the bathroom, she will sit at the door crying till I come out. I have nicknamed her and her behaviour Koala Bear. And she knows it. She knows she's the little shu4 dai1 xiong2 (koala bear) in her book and by extension of that, I am in her own words shu4 dai1 xiong2 ma1 ma4 (koala's mommy). You got to give it to the girl, but she knows when she needs to be clingy and will let me know by switching over and calling me ma1 ma4 rather than the usual Mommy.

So, because of their combined efforts, I'm plainly exhausted. And on top of that, I miss my husband too. So, it isn't just the twins who look forward to Packrat's return.

Technorati Tags: twins, attachment, travelling parents

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Centre piece

Jordan is a performer. Not in the way Evan is though. Evan hams it up. He performs on command. He is loud, he is a blow-by-blow commentator. Jordan is a little bit more shy. But she performs in her own way. Put on music and she will dance to it, knowing instinctively how to stretch out a move because there is a lull in the music or knowing to speed it up because the music does. While she doesn't sing on command, when she does decide to, she includes actions to the song whether or not they are appropriate.

And yesterday, she showed also that she was capable to do performance and installation art too. We were in our study. We didn't hear a peep from her. That is usually the cue for us to pop our heads out because for all we know, she could have scaled to the top of the main gate or had eaten parts of her toys, especially the toys that resemble her favourite foods. This time, she wasn't doing any of the usual crimes.


















Instead, she was comfortably perched atop the coffee table, on her potty. Evidently, she had dragged her potty from the kitchen to the coffee table, put it on the top and climbed up, to do her business for all and sundry to see. The gales of laughter emanating from the adults was unstoppable. Once she ascertained that we were laughing "with" her rather than "at" her, she was quite pleased that she had caused such a stir.

Of course, she also gave us a look that basically said "don't look at me like that now! Help me put on my underwear! Help me NOT spill the the stuff in the potty!" which sent us laughing even harder.

She must think we are awful parents...laughing at her misfortune and not fully appreciating the lengths she had to go to pull this off!


Technorati Tags: twins, potty time

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The world according to Evan

I've been told time and again that girls develop speech faster than boys. Unfortunately, it hasn't been true for the twins. It starts off that way, Jordan will pick up something first, something speech or kinesthetically related. Then Evan will pick it up and then surpass her in his ability to perfect it. It seems to go in that leap frog manner.

Right now, what is astounding for both Packrat and myself is Evan's logic.

Example 1:

Evan: Zoo chou chou (Smelly)
Me: Why is the zoo chou chou?
Evan: Otters chou chou.
Me: Why are the otters chou chou?
Evan: Otters poo. No wash bum bum. Otters chou chou.

Example 2:
We have a sun roof in our new car. The twins call it the 'sky window'.

Evan: Wipers go swish swish swish. No more rain.
Evan: Sky window, no wipers. So much rain!

Example 3:

Evan has a book called Kitten's First Full Moon. The kitten thinks that the reflection of the moon in the pond is a big bowl of milk and goes after it, ending up being a wet kitten. Evan also witnessed a boy cycling straight into the pond at Botanic Garden, resulting into a sodden, very upset and hysterical boy.

Evan: Boy fall into pond.
Me: Yes, oh dear. He was very upset.
Evan: Yes, like kitten. He was scared and wet and cold and hungry. (As kitten is, in the book)

Example 4:

The twins sleep with the night light on. The night light is blue. There is also an old man that takes walks every morning when the twins go to school. Evan doesn't like him much because he's very loud.

Evan: Don't like old man.
Me: There's nothing not to like about the old man.
Evan: Old man not here.
Me: No, maybe Old Man is still at home.
Evan: Old man sleeping?
Me: Maybe.
Evan: Old man's blue light is on.

We are constantly amazed. And I need to record this because I need to show him this when he is old enough.


Technorati Tags: twins, speech development, boys development, girls development

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