You're Not the Boss of Me

As they get older, JED are more independent in some ways. They are able to come home on the bus or train by themselves and they are able to navigate the neighbourhood quite effectively on their own. But at the same time, they're also a bit needy and a pain in the neck. Because they are older, sometimes, when Packrat and I have a bit of time at night, we tell them to get themselves to bed so that "mommy and papa can go out".

Last night was one such night. We'd had dinner with them and had warned them then that we would be slipping out for a bit after they went to bed. Then came the imperious questioning.

Jordan: Where are you going?
Me: We're going to get a foot massage.
Jordan: How long will that take?
Me: One hour.
Jordan: What time is your appointment?
Me: 8.40 pm.
Jordan: So, we should expect you back by 10pm?
Me: dots.

Muffin chimes in.
Muffin: Don't stop anywhere for a rest ok?
Me: What?
Muffin: The other night, you said you were going to the bank and it was 10 minutes. You came back an hour later.
Papa: That's because we stopped for a drink.
Muffin: Yes. You need to come back immediately. You can't stay out for a rest at a restaurant for a drink.
Papa: dots.

So, apparently, we grew up, fought the restrictions in our parents' homes and struck out on our own, became parents in our own right, only to now be answerable to our nazi-kids.

All we can say to them is "wait till you start dating, young lads..." Ten fold. Million fold.

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Comfort

As JED grow older, they tend to be more disagreeable with one another. It is inevitable. All 3 have strong personalities and are not pushovers. Each want their way and is angered when their way is not the preferred way of the other two.

But on occasion, we see that there really is a connection between them and they really do have a soft spot for each other, under the often prickly exterior. Rather 'durian' relationship they have.

These are moments that fuel me and give me hope especially when they are so angry they stomp on each other and break each other's things.



Muffin

It was Muffin's birthday and we had a swim date gathering for him and his friends. On the day of the swim date, he came up to me to ask if I could invite his sister's friends so that she had people to play with instead of a pool full of boys.

Jordan was upset with being reminded of a memory of great-grandpa passing away and was sobbing in the back seat of the car. I couldn't get to her so I despatched her two brothers to sit and hold her while she sobbed.

Evan

Evan is the least physically affectionate. He likes when I hug him but not his siblings. He is great with words of comfort though he's logical at his most comforting. He's also calm and doesn't freak out. He will however, be a nightmare for future weeping girlfriends/ wife because he will offer logic and solutions as comfort and we all know how well that always goes down. But his logic helps Jordan see that it's not a spiraling abyss of despair and hopelessness. I'm not sure if he offers any comfort to Muffin because his tone with Muffin is often one of "I told you so". It toughens Muffin up though; he gets no sympathy from his brother and therefore knows it's not a big deal and he should stop with the whining.



Jordan

The most empathetic of the three, she acutely feels everyone else's dismay. Most evident was when Evan was leaving for camp and was anxious and worried about it. He couldn't be soothed by her stories of assurance so eventually she just threw her arms around him and held him tight. I think he appreciated that. 

They also tell stories to each other at night before they go to bed. After the initial excitement of having their own rooms, they have now reverted to camping out in one room with one sibling squished on a mattress on the floor. And that offers them comfort- for the child who is fearful of some movie he watched. The one who comes home late and knows that even if she is falling asleep by herself, she can do that to the sound of her brothers' breathing.  For the other whose mind is often racing just as he falls asleep, the inane discussions the other two have help slow his mind down enough for him to drift off.

All is good in the house when we see this happen and we shore up these moments because in the next minute, these loving siblings will be transformed into Gremlins out to get one another. 

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Visiting Melbourne: Through JED's eyes

As promised, this post is Melbourne through the eyes of JED. Or it could be titled "What to do with Melbourne with children" because this post is about what JED loved about Melbourne.

I shall state from the outset that the twins are very infatuated with Melbourne. Jordan is ready to move there. Forever. She wants to go to school there and go like now, now now.

To JED, Melbourne was about 7 things.

1. The cold weather

This was the most important. That is, once they got used to it. Muffin was the one that took the longest to relish it. It went in order of the amount of insulation they had in their bodies. And Muffin doesn't have any, at all.

But once they climatised, they ran around with jackets and even ventured as far as going to the beach twice. Something I wouldn't have even considered no matter how mild the winter was.

2. The animals. 

JED love animals. But as with most urban kids, they are scared of them. So it was funny when Evan wanted to feed ducks (his favourite animal in the world) and run away when the ducks approached him for more. It was similar with the guinea pigs that they could play with at the petting zoo. Evan wanted to have the guinea pig but was squealing about it being ticklish because of its claws. I liked the Open Range safari type animals more than the local Aussie ones and while I understood that it made sense for the joey to be head in in the pouch, I was grossed out by the fact that there were a pair of legs sticking out of Mama-Kanga's belly. No one got why I was grossed out so I was left alone to make faces.

3. The playgrounds

With the benefit of space, the playgrounds around Melbourne were awesome. And I don't mean it in the tween way, I mean it in the "jaw dropping, covet and want to steal it back to Singapore, talk about it all the time" way. 

Every day, we explored a new playground and every evening, there would be the request of going back to the same playground the next day. Because it was just that much fun. It didn't matter that they spent good long stretches of time at the playground, it was never enough. 

Even the adults were hard-pressed to  vote on which was the best playground. 

a. Parkville

Packrat and I loved Parkville because it was behind our old uni and where he lived. We also loved it because it showed great sensitivity to the landscape. It was just a playground plonked into a field. The architectures built the playground into the natural landscape with slopes and trails integrated. Then there was a large hill that we could scale and the Grey's Anatomy fan in me loved the fact that from the playground or the top of the hill, you could see medical helicopters landing on the hospital rooftop across the road. 

JED loved it because it was challenging, sprawling and so open to the imagination. They played hide and seek but gradually settled to play at the dam structure, which in itself was a stroke of genius. The kids could build a network of waterways in the sand and there was an irrigation system that they could work, pump water and dam before releasing it into their waterways. Over and over again, in different permutations. 

My only concern about the playground was that it was so sprawling that you couldn't quite keep an eye on the kids all the time from one spot. But other than that, we spent 2 days and had lunch there. Even then, it was really with a heavy heart to leave. And also to know that should we ever come back, the twins would be too old to enjoy it as much. 

b. St Kilda
St Kilda's a pretty bohemian part of Melbourne and it follows that the playground there is similarly so. It looked like a junkyard with odd pieces of wood structures painted in a cacophony of colours. There was a haphazard feel to it, it was challenging in places for the kids with an adrenaline junkie's dream of a flying fox that whizzed at top speed and only stopped with a mighty clang when it hit the end and caused the kid to rebound or get thrown off into wood chips (though we didn't see any kid get thrown off!)

Similar to the Parkville playground, even though we spent 3 hours there, JED didn't cover every inch of it. They climbed a tree, discovered secret tunnels built under the playground structures and tried to run up a skateboard run which was close to impossible. The playground was run by the city council and there were crates of free fruit for the kids. With places like these where you can see so much love and care has gone into creating it, I was happy that I could put in a donation to keep the place going or to help buy the next crate of fruit.

4. Fake snow
I badly wanted to drive up to Mt Buller for some snow even if we didn't ski. But the men, who were the designated drivers refused to budge. It was too long a drive to see mounds of ice and they couldn't imagine tetchy kids all the way there and disappointed kids back. The next alternative was an ice rink near the hotel that had a fake snow slope.

The cold, together with the speed thrilled JED to bits especially because the only way to stop was to crash headlong into a thick padded wall. Muffin and Jordan were the most adept. I came down screaming while Evan internalised all his fear with a constipated look on his face. It wasn't enough to totally get the snow jollies out of the way but it did go some way into assuaging it.

5. Rowing a boat
If at any time, a child suggests that rowing a boat would be fun, heavily indoctrinated by years of singing that insipid kid song, please say no. Against our better judgement, we agreed to row a boat down the duck pond. With 5 in the boat, the weight wasn't evenly spread out and that meant I spent half the time worried we might truly capsize. And never believe the children when they promise to help row because all they do is splatter water and complain their arms hurt. So rather than rowing, we spun in circles in the general direction of the current, bouncing off both banks and miraculously spun back to where we started. By then, there was water in the boat and JED had all been splashed by algey mucky water that was filled with duck pee.

6. Autumn leaves

There is a Chinese saying about fishing that goes along the lines of "even if can't catch fish, settle for the shrimp". It sounds better in Chinese. That was the philosophy that JED approached Melbourne winter. To them, winter meant snow. We spent the better part of the year dispelling that notion so they settled for the next best thing. Leaves.

Piles of leaves, leaf tracks, just shuffling and rustling in leaves, picking at them, comparing the different shades of yellow, orange and green was interesting enough that they left the adults alone.

 

7. Friends 

There was always fun to be had where ever they were because they were 5 of them, 4 of them of similar age. There were squabbles and differences but they tried hard to work it out for themselves and figured out the best dynamics amongst them. They didn't sleep together but played together, ate together and even celebrated their birthdays together.

The adults vowed that for as far as possible, we will try to bring them away together because these are what make for good memories for them. 

My takeaway from the entire trip was that fun didn't need to be expensive at all. So, no we didn't go and see the penguins. Nor did we take the windy Great Ocean Road or the coal spitting- tear inducing choo choo train round the Dandenongs. And it really didn't matter to JED nor their friends.

Every one needs more of these sorts of holidays. It does wonders for the soul.

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The One Where Evan Hits Balls

Both Evan and Jordan do sport. Actually Muffin as well though the twins spend a lot more time on it.

But their narratives could not be any different.

Evan is not a natural athlete. As a baby, the doctors worried because his head lolled to one side for the longest time. As a toddler, he would fall over a lot and bump his head repeatedly on the same spot. Even as a tennis player, he is no where as good as many of the kids in his age group.

And that makes it hard for him.

It means that he has to work doubly hard to do what comes naturally to some and sometimes, it gets very disheartening. 

It means that there are some coaches that don't like that he isn't a ready made player, who has natural ability. They would yell at him because his footwork isn't what is to be expected of a 10 year old who plays x number of days a week. These were the coaches who would make him cry in frustration.

It means that in a team, he might not be seeded very high and might not get picked to play because he might weigh the team down.

But does he try. Try very hard, he does.

He works till rivets of sweat run down his face and he can't lift his feet anymore. He's learnt to be consistent while he works on power. On the days he doesn't play, he goes running with Packrat and is attempting the jump rope.

We do our part by putting him with coaches who will affirm his effort and encourage him along. We stay away from the coaches who only see him for what he is not. That isn't helpful, to anyone.

In his first ever league tournament, he knew he wasn't seeded very high and every time he played, he tried very hard and tried to make it count. When he couldn't kill the shot, he rallied till the opponent made a mistake and he always took stock of the players he played with. He learnt very quickly to place his shots out of reach of his opponents. And in that way, he won more points and in some of the matches, ended up carrying the 'higher' seeded partner he was playing with because his parter, while stronger was more inconsistent with his shots.

The day of the finals, when he helped the team place well, was a vindication for him; against the managers who would leave him out of line ups, against the coaches who thought him crap and even, to some extent, against us, for the times that we rolled our eyes at his seemingly uncoordinated ways.

I told Evan, the one thing I truly admired about him, is the fact that he's a cool cucumber. He looks cool on court. He doesn't let the stress get to him and he just goes on placing the shots where he needs to. When we commended him on being cool, he exclaimed that he was nervous as heck. That, I told him was excellent, that he doesn't let the nerves get to him. I told him the analogy was to be duck like; gliding along the water as if nothing gazed him  but actually paddling furiously underneath, away.

Someone said to us that Evan is probably learning more because he's isn't naturally gifted and things don't come easy to him. And like pediatricians used to tell us, as long as the milestones are achieved, it isn't about who gets there first.  It'll come in good time and he really is getting there. 

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The Anti-List for the holidays

The exams are finally, finally over for the twins. Jordan finished much earlier but Evan's drudgery only ended yesterday. Coincidentally, I was asked to write a piece about holidays activities. I thought about it and Packrat and I are pretty much of the opinion that JED, having relatively busy school days should be allowed to do nothing during the holidays. There is a great amount of value in giving them time to be bored.

So our default is to let them come up with their own games , read, go to the library, hang out and go downstairs to muck about or to explore new parks. And oh! Evan has asked for us to go back to Willing Hearts to do some work there. That, we'll definitely do at some point this June.

There. Done.

But I don't think that was what I was asked to write about though.

And honestly, there have been times where we've needed to park the kids somewhere so as to not drive their care-givers crazy while we were away or because they really wanted to learn something new.

So, the list that I'm sharing is of places that JED have tried before and have had quite a bit of fun with.

a. Art camps
A big hit even at this point with the twins being 10. There's always joy in mucking about with paint and creating something from it. We have excellent pieces on our walls courtesy of these art camps and it brings JED so much joy from being able to see their work on the walls.

We've done a few and some are better than others. We did one where I was told the kids weren't listening to instructions and painting it as they were told. We never went back there again even though it was close by us. We have however gone to heART Studio many times over even though it's further away. Their holiday programmes are by the day so it's great if you want them occupied for a couple of hours; though I'm tempted to sign Muffin up for the 2 day Dinosaur one.

b. Science camps.
I've heard that the BASF Science Labs for June are all filled up already and science camps are a whole lot of experimenty fun. The one that we really liked and we sent them to while we were away was a Discovery Vacation Camp which was a 5 day full day camp where they did experiments, went on field trips and actually learnt stuff they remember till today. The only thing about that was that Jordan said she felt homesick. Because it was longer than the typical school day. But that said, she remembers it fondly and they went as a big group of friends so it was a lot of fun.

c. Writing camps
Though only the twins have gone for writing camps, Muffin remembers fondly the time he sat in one with the twins. This was Monsters Under the Bed's Monsters HuntINK camp a few years back. I think at that point, they were still too young for it but they talk about the hydra and the medusa that they learnt about during that workshop. And then, there was the workshop they did last year, where they wrote and published their own book.

They would be happy if I sent them back to any of the ones above but what they really really want to go for is a building workshop where they learn coding and creating games because that's often what is on their minds these days. Evan got his hands on a flyer for the Tink Tank one and has cancelled off the ones that he's learnt in school like Scratch and decided that he wanted to do the MBot and Sphero one. Muffin is keen because he knows that Sphero built the BB-8 we have rolling around the house, though I cautioned him that it wasn't what he was going to build in 2 hours there. Jordan was torn between that and another workshop called Little Bits where you learnt to work with circuitry but Packrat said if they were going, they were ALL going to the same workshop.

There. A list. Of what I would do, what they could do if I gave them the chance to and what they really really want to do. 

All I can say is, I don't really care what we're going to do. I'm just ecstatic that the exams are over and we can do everything we want to or choose to do absolutely nothing.

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Small Business Enterprise

Jordan's exams are over. The semi-pall that has shrouded our house for the last few weeks has lifted. Somewhat.

Somewhat because Evan's exams aren't over yet. But it isn't stopping them from celebrating.

For Evan, any opportunity to play is a good thing. For Muffin, he is celebrating the fact that his play mates are free to play with him and he doesn't have to do work just so that his siblings don't complain that he is too free.

First order of business, was to literally, set up a business. Or rather 3 businesses.

Each kid decided on a business they were about to start.

Each kid came up with a business model including pricing, opening hours and rules and regulations.

Jordan set up a music school that promised that anyone could be a musician.
Evan set up a photo studio with his business partner, Eevee. 
Muffin was setting up a spa. He was CEO. Jordan was the massage therapist.

Working hours took into consideration school hours. Obviously, they weren't giving up their day jobs for this.

Their family benefits were great.  We got discounts and there were always freebies for those hapless enough to engage their services.

 

So we came home to signs on their door last night declaring their businesses closed for the day and early this morning, the sign had changed.

 

We found out that they subscribed to the belief that the 'early bird catches the worm' because they were all up at six this morning, voluntarily, for a business meeting before their businesses opened for the day.

Unfortunately, they didn't take factor in the size of their consumer base so there wasn't a lot of business to go around.

That didn't fuss them much. They closed early and went to the park.

 Their jobs certainly afforded them a great amount of work-life balance.

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Childlike enthusiasm

The nice thing about having kids is to see the world through their eyes rather than our own cynical ones.

In the last week or so, despite the fact that the twins have been ramping up for exams, they've been very excited about things happening in school. Things that an adult would yawn and roll eyes at.

For Evan, it's an emergency preparedness exercise. He's filled with importance because it's his job to lock all the windows and draw the blinds. And we all know how important that job is especially since Mas Selamat climbed out of an unlocked one.

He also very conscientiously packed his 'lock down' bag full of supplies (enough food and water for himself and some friends, how considerate). We were all briefed. There would be a cryptic message that they'll have to listen out for, along the lines of "The chicken has flown the coop, catch it!" that begins the lock down and a similarly innocuous "All clear" signal as well. So there were muttered prayers for good weather because any sort of attack on a school would only occur when there is good weather.

Jordan, on the other hand, has been a jumping bean because she got roped into auditioning for one of Packrat's student's film project. She thinks she's going to be on TV. She asks everyday if we've heard from the student. We tell her not to get her hopes up. We tell her that she won't be on TV or famous. But she can't hear that, while bouncing around excitedly.

At the same time, there's a concert in school. Where they get to sing and play the ukelele. I'm not sure how good she is at playing it or singing for that matter but every spare moment of the day has been dedicated to strumming and singing.

I would really like to be in school to watch both events happen but short of a Big Brother camera in school, I can only wait for them to recount them to me.

I like that they get excited over these little things. And their excitement is so genuine, you can't help get infected by it. Especially when half the time, we're snippy, cynical and critical of things around us like Trump managing to fail Easter.

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Not supposed to

I know I am not supposed to get angry.

I know I am not supposed to yell.

I know I am not supposed to bang on the table.

I know I am not supposed to feel like I want to cane.

But

I do get angry.

I do yell to the point that it echoes round the block.

I do slam the table, so hard I have a bone bruise on my finger.

I do want to cane.

Then

I feel the tears.

I feel the frustration.

I feel the pain.

I feel the distress.


These aren't useful emotions; they don't equip me to do anything useful or to help JED in the ways that they need it. But much as I would like to say that I am the master of my emotions, I am not. So, on days when I really just lose it, I am thankful that Packrat is there to even the keel.

I know what I need to do.

I know I need to stop rescuing.

I know I need to let failing be the teacher.

I know I need to allow natural consequences to follow.


I just need the guts.

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Books in the wild

One of the happy problems we have in the house is that we don't have enough shelf space. Even though we trade books with friends, we go to the library and second hand book stores, we still have enough books to run a library out of our house. With 3 kids of different age or interest, there are a lot of different kinds of books in the house. There are books everywhere. Our dining table could be piled high with books and JED would add on more.

Like I say, it's a happy problem to have.

I love that all 3 read. It's the advantage of having a no TV, no gadget rule in the house. There's not much else to do especially at meal times. The grandparents have complained that it's disrespectful to read at the dinner table. So I tell JED that they can read when they are eating alone but when the family sits down for dinner, there are to be no books.

So, anyway, books, all around.

Friends have asked for ideas on what to get their kids to read and frankly I don't know. I look at required book lists (sometimes the books on these lists need to be re-looked at!), browse through curated lists of bloggers and read reviews of books to get a feel of what's out there but it doesn't always work. A best-seller might be a best seller with many kids but not necessarily JED.

I asked them to pick a bunch of their favourite books right now, books that they might want their friends to read as well and this is what they came up with.

We start with the littlest. Perhaps in the last 6 months or so has Muffin taken to reading on his own and reading chapter books. Part of it is him seeing his siblings do it. He still likes pictures in his books but he's less intimidated by the word-picture ratio skewing greatly toward the words rather than pictures. He likes humour, toilet humour, silly humour, laugh out loud ha-ha humour. His favourites right now are junior chapter series like Eerie Elementary (which he has independently drawn parallels to Harry Potter), the Yeti Files (where he learnt the word Cryptid; a creature that has been hidden and there's no proof of its existence) and ha-ha funny Kung-Pow Chicken complete with all its puns. When he reads, the world disappears and he won't know if you're yelling for him because there's a fire.

It's still hard for him to read. He would still rather play with his Lego but more and more so, when the house is quiet and we seek him out, he's hiding somewhere reading.

Evan.
Evan's an action reader. He likes action in his books. Something has to be happening. His perennial favourites are still the Potter books which I have no issue with but his repertoire has definitely expanded since last year. There's still the silly Wimpy Kid books that he likes but he has also taken to Anthony Horowitz's Alex Rider. I had a lot to do with that because I liked them too and I would read them and tell him excitedly what was going to happen in the book I was reading. And he would read to find out. That's been fun for us; conversations about Alex Rider. He's also dabbled with Famous Five and the adventures series for the same reasons. Strangely though, he's not so keen to read the Morpurgo books because his writing is based during the wars and he doesn't like suffering. When I asked why he chose these books to feature, he said that a lot of the other books he reads, his sister or brother would also choose. So these were the ones that were quintessentially him.

And then there's Jordan; the one who doesn't do toys anymore and lamented the fact that she didn't get enough books for Christmas and too many clothes.

Her reading repertoire is anything she gets her hands on. She loves her graphic novels and reads and re-reads them. She loves her Land of Stories fantasy genre books and the Morpugo books I got for Evan, she read them. I asked if she felt sad for the characters and her reply was that sometimes but they always learnt to live on (life lesson there). The book that recently got to her was Wonder about a kid her age having to go to school but having severe crano-facial deformities and how he struggled in school. 3/4 way through it, I found her reading Beezus and Ramona and she said she needed a break  to read something not so sad. She's since finished Wonder and has gone to immerse herself in some fantasy because I think the real world got too real for her. A friend of ours gave us Graveyard Book for the twins as a birth present. Literally, at birth. Coraline and Graveyard Book were their keepsakes and she recently finished Graveyard Book. We listened to it in the car too and I just want to say, Neil Gaiman's voice is a nice voice. The book though, is heartbreakingly sad but it did occur to me that all these things are sad because I'm an adult and I see it through the eyes of a mom or with the understanding of the suffering or pain. For them, for most part, it's just a story.

Tangentially, we're teaching the twins to take public transport. When the time comes for us to allow them onto public transport on their own, Packrat has decreed that Jordan shall not be allowed to bring a book. Because if she does, she might accidentally find herself in Pasir Ris because for her, the world does melt and disappear when she reads.

So there, the books that are currently inundating my house and surfacing in strange places like under my pillow and in my bathroom. I suspect I enable a lot of this too because I'm constantly adding books into my Amazon cart and similar to them being in the library, new books magically appear on the shelves.

I am, afterall, the Book Santa and the acquirer of books from the library.

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Fake news

JED hear snippets of things in school. They aren't all right because there's the 'telephone game' effect where things get lost in translation.

They tell it to each other and then, it must be true because they are not the only ones who know it. (self-perpetuating prophecy)

Their version of the world is a hilarious one.

Jordan: A King got poisoned.
Me: Really? In one of your stories?
Jordan: No, in an airport. A king got poisoned in an airport and died.
Me: A KIM got poisoned. A guy, his name was KIM, he got poisoned in the airport and died.

That led to a whole discussion about North Korea and somehow the conversation led to North Korea having nuclear weapons.


Me: The world gets very upset when North Korea tests its nuclear weapons.
Evan: What do you mean test?
Me: They launch it to see how far it can fly and whether it can hit its target.
Evan (slightly disturbed): Where do they test it? 
Me: Usually, they launch it over water.
Evan: Then the missile drops into the water and everything explodes?
Jordan: Then BOOM, all the fish die?
Me: Yes or they mutate with 3 eyes.

Muffin (walking in): What? There are 3 eyed fish in North Korea? Cool!

A little while later.
Jordan (singing): There's a hole in the bottom of the sea
Me: What?
Jordan: The nuclear missile hit the sea. So there's a hole in the bottom of the sea!

Alternative News.

A little knowledge is a dangerous thing.

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Flunking

One of the things that kids today are not allowed to do a lot of is to fail. We try our darndest to protect them against failing. Offering them pre-emptive help, berating them for failing and instilling the fear of failing in them because that leads to them not doing well and not doing well causes them to not be able to get into good schools and not getting into good schools causes them to not get good jobs and then they will be broke and homeless. Or so the cautionary tale goes.

It's hard not to get sucked into it. It's so much part of our vocabulary. It leaves our lips before we can stop ourselves.

One of JED came home with a badly done math paper and hides it from us. Another of JED calls from school to dejectedly inform me of failing Chinese. Another had an entire page of math streaked with angry red crosses.

How do we respond?

The immediate, instinctive reaction is the Tiger Mom one.
1. To be accusatory: WHY DID YOU FAIL?
2.  To be reactive: More with the tuition!
3. To be punitive: No more toys, no more TV.
4. To be self-flagellating: It's my fault. I haven't done enough work with them. I haven't been home enough.

But then, when those thoughts have been processed, the lingering question is "To what end?". Would more tuition help? Would punishment help? Would my sitting beside them all the time be of advantage to them?

Then the more reasonable Mom struggles to take control.
1. Failing is good. At least JED learn to fail. Learn to cope with failing. I did have a 'gua gua gua' moment when the math paper was discovered. Because that's something so rare in our lives.
2. Failing allows for introspection. Why did they fail? Lack of preparation? Lack of comprehension? Lack of motivation?
3. Failing allows for longer term solutions. How can it be fixed? Should WE fix it? Or should the child learn to fix it?

The latter is really hard to do. It isn't as solution-oriented. The outcomes take a long time to surface. And we really do struggle to not be reactive. It's so easy to panic. It's so easy to get sucked into the vortex of grade obsession.

So the important thing is for us to remember is that in the larger scheme of things, what's failing a test in primary school? What's failing a test full stop? Do we do more harm than good when we prevent them from failing when it isn't of great consequence? Conversely, would a perfect school record be indicative of anything else later on in life?

What are we going to do about the little fails that JED have encountered?
1. We've figured that the math fail was about being reluctant to go the distance. To read the question in its entirety. To slowly break it down. When we sit at the table and help deconstruct the question, everything works. Unfortunately, exam entry usually prohibits a parent sitting beside the child so said child just has to learn to do it without us there. How do we do that? Model the sum and set many others. As with sport, much of math is about repetitive memory. Hopefully.

2. Chinese- well, that's an uphill battle. When I've figured out that one, you'll be the first to know.

3. Fearing the fails- The constant reiteration that they have to tell us if they don't do well because we need to work with them to figure out why it happened. Hiding it from us does none of that. They also need to take responsibility for the fail. And also the undying promise to each of them that we love them for who they are and not what they can do. That while we may berate them when they don't do well, it doesn't take away from how much we love them.

To which, all 3 dissolved into puddles of grateful tears of relief.

For us, when JED fail, we have to learn to not take it personally and by 'we', I actually mean me because Packrat is more chill about it. And the most important question to ask is...

"So, what's next?"

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Odyssey

There's been radio silence.

There's a reason for it. Every couple of years, we take the kids on what has become a traditional odyssey of sorts.

To date, our odysseys have been to the North American continent and this one was no different.

It was meant to herald the beginning of Muffin's primary school life. We did a similar one to Hawaii when the twins were entering primary school.

Our vacation this time was unabashedly non-educational. There was going to be no value in it in terms of exposing them to new lands, new cultures, geography or scenery. We went with one intention; to go on the Disney Cruise, which itself was just about indulgence and comfort. Add on to that, being in the theme park city of the world, we spent the rest of our time in theme parks, riding roller coasters and soaking in everything make believe and computer generated. In other words, we did not go to the United States, we went on a themepark holiday.

But JED had a great time as did we. And it wasn't true that they didn't learn anything. This trip was a first for them in many ways.

1. They had to look after themselves and they did so in a myriad of ways.
In Orlando, they slept in the upstairs bedroom while we were downstairs. They were in charge of getting themselves ready in the morning without any prompting. Many a morning, they appeared at my bedroom door all ready to head to the parks.

2. They had to look after each other.
On occasion, we would leave them alone to get groceries, get dinner and even do a spot of shopping. My paranoid imagination had them fighting and hurting each other or me coming home to a house on fire. But none of that played up. They watched TV, cleared the table at the designated time (as monitored by Evan), brought everything into the kitchen with no mess and nothing broken (supervised by Jordan) and then trooped up to wash up (closely watched by a hawk-like Muffin).

3. They looked after their own things.
For children who have a helper in the house, they can be awfully spoilt and messy. But on vacation and with my declaration that I wasn't going to pick up after them, after the nth time they were unable to find their toys or their pyjamas smelt funky because they left them in a pile together with a wet towel, almost everything got folded away or put away nicely. It wasn't perfect but it was good enough.

Granted, there was the non-Facebook- non Disneyfied version. That included
a) a bout of food poisoning which required a jab and quarantine
b) a hacking cough (that lasted all holiday and made it back 3 continents)
c) bad food (Poor Chinaman Muffin had nothing much to eat except for fries, hash browns, sausages and chicken tenders and even that got old quite quickly)
d) the occasional bad weather (either too hot or too cold)
e) too much walking causing exhausted, painful feet, whiny children too heavy to carry
g) bad airport queues causing us to almost miss on flights on multiple occasions
f) 13 hour long transatlantic flights with our girl child who was unable to sleep, kept throwing up and eventually only settled sleeping on the cabin floor at the back of the plane.

But even then, we miss it.

So, posterity, the a video that JED and Packrat worked very hard to make.



It'll be a holiday we all will be talking about for a long time to come.

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Dealing with loss- a 9 year old's perspective

JED lost their great granddad last week. The twins, in particular were close to him because they grew up living in the same house as he did. There's something to be said about living in a multi-generational house.

Anyway, he passed, at a ripe old age of 100. We knew it was soon because he wasn't doing so well and had done our best to prepare JED. Even then, when we found out that he had passed on, telling them was still going to be no easy feat. For good or for bad, Grandma broke the news to them before we managed to.

Jordan was inconsolable. Evan was very take charge. He took it upon himself to ring myself and Packrat to let us know. He also let us know that Jordan was distraught about it. Muffin was confused because he didn't have as many memories about Tai Gong as the twins did and he couldn't understand why he wasn't as upset as they were.

It took some time for us to talk Jordan through her despair. And what perhaps helped them all process it was for them to write cards to Tai Gong to place before the casket. We also got them to share their best memories of Tai Gong.

Jordan: Going into his room and taking his hymnal and singing with him.

Evan: Stealing butter cookies from his cookie tin (the traditional round tin of butter cookies)

Muffin: The stuffed tiger that taught him to roar loud.

Allowing them to talk about Tai Gong seemed to help. So did bringing them to the wake. When there weren't many people about in the afternoon, we brought them over and allowed them to say goodbye and place their flowers and cards.

We didn't stop them from crying. Some of the elders tried to console them by telling them not to cry since Tai Gong was in a better place and had gone to heaven but we told them they could cry and it was okay to be sad. Because we didn't hide how sad we were to have lost him, we told them they didn't have to either.

By the end of the funeral, everyone was emotionally spent but I think we were all calm and at peace with Tai Gong's passing. And while I thought we were done processing our grief, I found a letter Jordan had written to a friend, two days ago. The passing of a friend's cat had triggered reminders of all the deaths she's had to see through this year and that's when I realised that in their own little ways, they were still coming to terms with Tai Gong's passing.

He had no longer been part of our daily lives but I think he was always at the back our minds. And even though the twins had memories of him, it didn't seem enough to make up for the fact that he wasn't physically present anymore. So slowly, they have to work through it and as parents, we are just there to answer their many questions and hold them tight when it gets too much.

 But in the little things that they have said and done since Tai Gong's passing, they're also showing themselves to be little grown up beings in more ways than one. And I'm pretty sure, Tai Gong had a little bit to do with that too.

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Hamming it Up

As JED get older, they get a whole lot more self- conscious. They don't want to look or act stupid and they're conscious of people laughing at them. I wish they weren't.

Jordan still loves the limelight though even with that, she needs to rehearse it totally perfect before I video it.
Evan won't even do it if he had to do it solo.
Muffin will yelp and hide behind the someone who is holding the recording device.

So when they throw all caution to the wind and just ham it up, just for the sake of hamming it up, we video them. On top of that, they fight a lot more these days so any opportunity to record them getting along and enjoying each other's company, all the better.

And I'm keeping it here so on days when I feel I need a pick me, like today with massive Monday blues, I can just play it and chuckle like a idiot.





I also look at this and lament at how quick they are growing up. Including Muffin who doesn't look like a Muffin anymore.

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The Corner Book Stall at the Market

As the youngest of 3, with brothers much older than I am, I could not wait to grow up. After all, I saw first-hand the freedoms they had as they got older and I couldn't wait to have the same freedoms.

Freedom meant the ability to go where ever I wanted to, by bus, on my own. Freedom was also defined as getting an allowance.

The biggest symbol of this freedom was this stall in Marine Parade Market. It was a second hand bookstore. You paid money for the book and if you returned it within the stipulated period, you got some of the money back. So, the trick was to rent the book and when you returned it, you use the money you got back for the book to offset the new book.

I would take the bus there, once a month when I was younger and had less money. When I got older and had more allowance or when it was vacation time, I would go there more often and get more books. Why didn't I just go to the library? Because the owner would be able to recommend books to me based on what I had previously rented (This was pre-Amazon but he provided that service). And he had series of books that the library thought too frivolous to bring in. I remember a gymnastic series called Perfect 10 and a ballet series called Satin Slippers that I bought from him and I still have them kept somewhere in a box.

It was a great place. It was musty as book stalls with thousands of old books would be. It was hot because it was in a market. And it was tight and squeezy because the owner crammed as many books as he could into that small space. But it was a place where you could always find something you wanted to read. And the amazing thing was that he knew exactly where every single book was.

I hadn't thought about this place for a long time. In fact, since I had moved out of the East, I hardly ever went to Marine Parade Central. But I think it was always there, a memory, deep in the recesses of my memory.

This afternoon, while having lunch with my brother at Parkway Parade, another place that holds much sentiment for me, I talked about the stall and he recalled how the owner remembered him even after all those years abroad. Both of us lamented the loss of such second-hand bookstores; especially this one. Serendipitously, I strolled by the market and my heart actually stopped when I saw the stall open, right where it always was, with the shelves and shelves of books encroaching onto the walkway of the market and the owner looking like he did all those years ago.

We have far too many books at home. We could start a library. Our shelves are actually breaking under the weight of the books. But I could not resist the temptation of looking through the rows of books. I became a teenager again. With the Sweet Valley High covers of the past wedged amongst the more contemporary tween equivalents; the fantasy novels that I remember my brother read to current zombie genre ones, such a great hodge-podge of books past and present. So many of the books had covers that I remembered. The owner asked if I was looking for anything in particular. My mind was blank from the assault of nostalgia triggered by the sight, the smells and the sensation of being so close to all these old books again. I couldn't respond. 

And even though I couldn't tell him what I wanted, he seemed to know that I wanted the books from my childhood and teen years and pulled out the Enid Blytons, Nancy Drew and Hardy Boys from that period (also published circa 1980). The pages were yellow and spotted and the print and font familiar. I bought what I could. I wanted to buy the Enid Blyton ones too but I have the recent editions at home and couldn't justify them.

I'm not entirely sure that the twins will read them but it was important that I had them for the twins. I told the owner that the last time I visited the stall, I was perhaps an undergrad or maybe even younger Now, I'm back, getting books for my children who are probably 3 years shy of the age I was when I first found his stall. He remembers me, for bugging him for both frivolous teen romances as well as Tom Clancy novels.

I hope he stays around long enough for them to make the same journey to him for the same reasons that I did.

For those who have asked, here's the address.

Silver Kris Bookshop,
Blk 84 #01-187 Marine Parade Central
12- 8pm  (Closed on Tuesdays)

Find the McDonald's at Marine Parade Central, then find the playground beside it and find the entrance to the market near the playground. That's where it is.

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Repetitive Humour

Jordan came home from school one day with this joke.

"There were three people. Their names were "Ouch", "Somebody", "Nobody".
One day, Ouch got hurt and had to go to the doctor.
The doctor asks, "What's your name?"
He goes, "Ouch!"
The doctor replies, "I know it's painful. But what's your name?"
He goes "Ouch" again.
The doctor isn't getting anywhere with that and goes on. "Who hurt you?
Ouch goes "Somebody"
The doctor asks again, "What's his name?"
Ouch goes "Somebody."
The doctor gets fed up. "Was there anyone else with you?"
Ouch replies "Nobody was with me"
The doctor then asks "Then how can I help you, if you can't tell me who hurt you?"
Ouch is exasperated. "Somebody hurt me and Nobody was with me! Why won't you help me?"
The doctor retorts" You won't even tell me your name!"
Ouch roars "OUCH! It's OUCH!"

The story goes on.

It's very amusing.

Evan and Muffin get it and laugh till they're in stitches and they try to make up their own. Packrat decides to let them watch Abbott and Costello and they love it and watch it ad nauseum.

I know we stand the danger of raising children that might end up exasperating other children. But they'll have a sense of humour.

On a side note, Evan asked me if TV was indeed black and white when we were little. He was appalled when I told him that TV only started at 3 pm and there was only one English channel.

His response was at least the people on TV were funny even though they were black and white!

See, funny.

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Holiday Wish List of Fun

Today is the last day of school and I couldn't be happier. I look forward to the coming month of minimal work and lots and lots of play.

I was asked why I looked forward to the holidays since it would mean having 3 kids underfoot and fighting. True that but I revel not having to worry about homework for a while. During one of the exam nights where we were fantasising about what we could do post exams, the twins came up with a list. I did promise that we would try to do some of the things on their list.

So here were some of their requests.

1. Go to Playeum.
Some months back, we were invited to Playeum and their Art of Speed installation. They loved it and have been clamouring to go back. Fortuitously, right about the same time, Playeum invites us to their new theme, Hideways- Creating with Nature. So the day Jordan was done with her exams, we high-tailed out of school like a bat out of hell and we spent the afternoon there .

I need to state categorically that I love Playeum and revel every chance we get to go there. How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.

a. This installation had a science geeky bit with microscopes and specimens that Evan gravitated to. On top of that, there was a live stream of a hornet somewhere outside, building a nest. Near enough to see, not near enough to get into trouble.

b. It had a buffet of raw materials for JED to create things. 

They don't tell the kids how to play, explicitly or implicitly. They just leave out trays of raw recycled material and art supplies and set the kids free onto them. Of course, for those who need a bit more structure and order, there are helpers around to help guide them to make stuff. This installation's theme was to make Sounds of the Earth, which was cool on its on. 

JED however, deep into their Harry Potter obsession chose to use the raw materials to fashion themselves some pretty awesome wands. And rafts. Very Lord of the Flies.

c. The Possibilities

There was the Dark Space area as well as the Creative Cave. Personally, I love the Dark Space. The whole of Playeum including the Dark Space is a play of play but the kids naturally slow in it and they take time to look around and revel in the dark. The dark triggers and heightens other senses and children play differently there. 

JED however, used it as a juxtaposition to the bright outside; when their play required them to be in the day light, they were outside and when it was night, they would come in here and they used the strips of fabric and everything they could get their hands on to build a night time web.

Everything was up to them. They got to create their own worlds and after weeks of doing what they needed to do for the exams, it was such a relief for them to just unwind and create. So we got that checked off our list fast and furious!

2. Read.

They wanted to read uninterrupted and that was one of the first things they did post exams. During the exams, they could only read in spurts. At meal times, at break, at bed time. They really just wanted to be able to read and lose themselves in it.

And they've been reveling in it. The house is occasionally quiet with the kids fully immersed in what they are reading and both twins have finished the huge tome of Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix. Even Evan, who is more reluctant to read, has asked for more books to read during the holidays having polished off 4 in the time between his exams ending and today. 

I've hit the library for them and have been trawling both Book Depository and Amazon to pick out stuff for them. Their birthday is the end of the month. I've declared a moratorium on toys as gifts but books, I'm very happy to indulge. 

3. Write.

This is more Jordan than Evan but she wants to spend time writing. She's discovered that writing and compositions aren't synonymous and now that she has a month away from compositions, she just wants to write. She's got books and coloured pens to write with and she's ready to attack writing with a vengeance. We've also signed both of them up for a writing workshop at Writing Sprouts where they get to do a week of writing and gets to publish their own book at the end of it. 

4. Help. (This was more mine!) 

We're also going to use this holidays to help. Life isn't just about spending all your time trying to cheat the system and do well in exams; that's something we're very clear in wanting JED to learn. JED need to learn that there is a bigger world outside of school and homework and that there are people out there with bigger problems than not having enough time to play. So, we're going to be spending some time this holiday trying to help out at Willing Hearts. The twins are becoming aware of how there are people out there with more needs than they have and are empathetic enough to want to help so there's no better time to start. 

5. Swim

They want to swim and they want to play in the sun. Sunstroke and sunburn notwithstanding, they can spend all the time they want in the pool and different pools at that. They have a list and they want to slowly make their list down that. Who cares if their skin shrivels and their hair is wrecked by the chlorine? I do but when I was 9, my hair was green from chlorine so why deprive them of that? 

6. Crocodile Hunting.

Muffin has an obsession for big creatures. Dinosaurs, big cats, reptiles. He keeps asking if they exist in Singapore. Some, like dinosaurs don't but others do. He wants to watch Jurassic Park/ World, look for big cats and big reptiles. Thankfully, we have Sungei Buloh and Bukit Timah Nature Reserve and there's a possibility of finding some of those creatures there. JED recall snakes at Bukit Timah and we recall otters at Sungei Buloh. We just need to be outfitted in military strength insect repellant. 

7. Celebrate their birthday

I'm turning 40 this year and I hate the thought of it. But for the twins, birthdays are exciting and fun. It's not an elaborate party but there's open space for the kids to run around screaming. Since they've become old enough to be involved in it, it's more fun for them and less work for me. They want decorations? They organise playdates with their friends and create the decorations. This birthday, we need to create a Platform 9 3/4 wall since it's a Potter Party and some broomstick goodie bags. 

8. Night Walks

One of their all time favourite activities is to go on night walks, with friends and or neighbours. They love carrying torch lights, shining it at random things and scream "SUSPICIOUS!". They love scaring each other and talking loudly enough to wake the dead. We've done Botanics and places nearby our place. With more time during the holidays, maybe we'll venture further from home and perhaps be able to see chickens roosting in trees.

9.  TV

The rule in our house is no TV on the weekdays. It's religiously adhered to even during the holidays. The only way the rule is broken is when what they watch is in Chinese. We kill two birds with one stone. They get their TV hit and they get some Chinese input. Everyone is happy and sometimes, it's just the breather we all need from the noise, the mess and the fighting. 

10. Being with each other

While we do spend a great amount of time with JED, during term time, much of that time is spent with us in the driver's seat sending them around or as the teacher, helping them with their work. During the holidays, they want us to play with them and we want to as well. Basketball, frisbee, going to breakfast and going to the movies. They also want to be with each other, play uninterrupted without having to be hauled away to do work. They have plans to build Minecraft and Lego worlds. We want to gladly indulge them. 

So there, our very simple plans for the holidays. Minimal structured activities (except for the writing workshop) and hopefully enough down time for everyone to re-group, refuel and recharge. 

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