Conversations in the dark

There are nights where I work late. That means I miss my favourite time with JED; I don't get to get them to sleep where we, read, we chat and we chuckle till we (myself included) fall off to sleep. They are used to it and willingly kiss my goodbye and goodnight when I leave the house. Sometimes I come home to surprises like this, hanging on my front door.

And sometimes, I am met with the sight of JED sleeping in hilarious pose worthy positions.

And it makes me smile but it makes me wistful for having missed bedtime.

What helps it is when my alarm goes off in the morning and I stumble out of bed to turn it off then amble over to JED's room and climb into bed with them for the next ten minutes. This morning, Evan was actually up when I lumbered over and we cuddled and started chatting about the day ahead. I found out that he had discovered 'chee cheong fun' from a friend and knew enough to ask him which stall it was from and how much it cost and went and got it. He declared he liked it, especially with the little sesame seeds on top. Little victories.

I'm glad for that little ten minute conversation in the dark this morning. It wasn't much but it helped me touch base with him and it didn't just put me in a good mood, it put him in one too.

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Why I Work

I read an article Dear Daughter, Here's Why I Work and I thought I would do the same. People give me guilt about working. Not being home all the time for JED. So here it is, why I still work, for posterity and hopefully, JED will read it one day and understand why there are nights that it is only Packrat that gets them to bed and why on the weekend afternoons, I am never home.

But before I start, I would like to first say that I have utmost respect for Stay At Home Mums for all that they do because I think it requires a very strong constitution to do so.

Anyway, here it goes. 

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Dear JED,

First up, let me just say that the days that I have to leave the house to go to work and you are home, are the hardest for me. Yet, I do it. I go to work, despite Muffin wailing "Mommy, no go work.", Evan saying " I need you to spend time with me" and Jordan whispering "Mommy, I missed you just now." All 3 comments/ edicts  shatter my heart and make me want to drop everything and hug you tight and not let you go.

So here's 10 reasons why I don't.
1. I start with the most practical. The 3 of you are expensive. The amount of food you consume, your school fees, your gym/ tennis/ ballet/ swimming lessons aren't free. That's not to include the clothes, the toys, the books and the vacations that you want to take.

2. I spent a long time in school and uni and every time your Bob Ah Gong had to pay fees for it, he would say the same thing, "you're a girl, you know? I don't need to educate you so much." That followed with "Are you going to stop work and waste all your education when you have children?" when I got married. So, in a sense, I work because Bob Ah Gong stressed and worried about money for 18 years (I was in school/ uni for a total of 18 years!) and I don't want him to think that it was all for naught.

3. I work because I feel that need to know what is going on out there in the world. It's not just about reading the newspapers but actually being out there working with people, interacting and carving out something that is my own. It also helps me have something to say when Papa comes home. One thing that Papa and I used to do a lot of before you all came along was to talk and chat about our days and what we had read or seen out there. I want to still be able to do that. No doubt, all your shenanigans are the first things to be regaled when he comes back; but after that, it is important that we have other things to connect on as well. We were a couple before you came along and we will be long after you leave and move out. It would be great if we had things to say to one another then too and knew how to do so. 

4. I work because it makes me feel that I do something in my life other than take care of you. There are days when I want to keel over because I am exhausted from driving and picking you up from everywhere and then have to go to work after that; those are the days where I wish I didn't have so much on my plate. But I know that the day will come when you won't need me to drive you around so much. And when that day comes, I want to still be able to fill my days without going stir crazy, dying my hair blue and bugging the beejeezus out of you.

5. I work because it makes my brain feel alive. No offence meant to Splat the Cat, the Gruffalo or the Cranky Bear  but if that and playing My Little Pony with you were all I did all day, I would be very cranky and most possibly take it out on you. Working gives me a chance to be away from you for a while, miss you quite a bit and be happy to see you and happy to hear what you have to say or do when I get back.

6. At the same time, when I am not there with you, I know that you learn to be more independent. You have learnt to call me to ask for permission to do things. You are close to your grandma and grand aunt and have learnt things from them that I couldn't possibly teach you (like sing rhymes in Cantonese). You learn about boundaries and to code switch (You know there are things you can get away with when Grandma and Ee-Por are around and not with us). You can also do things without me if necessary and that makes me most proud.

7. I also know that I am setting an example for all of you by doing this. Mama worked while I was growing up and so did Auntie Threez. And I was always very proud of their accomplishments. Jordan, now that you've seen me go to work but still hang out with you and be there for you most of the time, hopefully, you will feel that you have a choice as well. Evan and Muffin, I hope that by doing this, you will understand why your future wives might want to make the same choice. If they choose not to work, I hope you will support them too though because that's what Papa would have done. Plus, I hope that you guys will be proud of me and of what I do.

8. I work also to teach you and show you that work and loving you are not exclusive things. All around you, in school, on television and even the adults in your presence, the message is that the moms who really love their kids don't go to work but it is okay for papas to do so. I want to teach you that I love you even if I work and actually more so because I do. Your Papa works and his love for you is never questioned, even when you don't see him for a day or for 3 weeks because he's had work overseas.

9. I work because I want to show you, especially Jordan, that motherhood is not the end of things. It's not about trying to get everything out of your system before you have kids and trading one life for another. It's about growing. I work in different ways than I did before you guys came along. I used to sleep early, wake up early, grade papers and go in for a full day's work. Now, I work after you leave for school and in the evenings when Papa is around. On top of that, I actually have JED Packs, something I didn't have before you came along. I want you to see that being a mommy doesn't preclude you from doing other things outside of raising children.

10. Most importantly, I work because I love it. I love the feeling of being in a classroom and opening the eyes of my students to the world. I love teaching them the same things I teach you three about empathy, compassion and integrity. And I love knowing that what I do for them, they carry on with them long after they've left my classroom; and in that way, I've made their lives just that little bit richer.

So here are the reasons why I work. And I am thankful that I have had the ability to decide if I wanted to work or stay home. And I am eternally grateful to have found a job that allows me to be home when you are and at work when you aren't. It wasn't about choosing between you and working. It never was about that. It was about choosing between being your mom at home or being your mom while being able to work.

I love you always.
Mommy

 Technorati Tags: JED, motherhood, FTWM

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Not the Sabbath

In Judeo-Christian tradition, the Sabbath is supposed to be from sun down on Friday till Saturday evening. Others look at it as the entire weekend and it is supposed to be a time of rest. Or a time away from work. I usually work on the Sabbath; both Saturday and Sunday. But since I just finished a ridiculously long week, I decided to spend the entire day with them.

This might be stating the obvious but my conclusion is that spending time with JED violates the rule of Sabbath being a rest day. There is no rest to be had.

Our Saturday consisted of going to their school carnival in the morning. The thing with their school is, they do a really good job priming the kids for it. They do a great job working them up into an excited ball of frenzy. So, for the last two weeks, they came home every day, asking to go to the carnival, to play games and win prizes.

As a rule, we avoid crowds. And their school maxed out, is about 1000 students; on top of that, parents plus alumni was the pure definition of crowds. But we went because the twins would have it no other way. And because for the twins, it will be their last year. The kids spent all their time bouncing in the castles, playing games, craft work and then back to playing the games again. They went away thrilled, sweaty, hyped up and hungry.



The simplest thing to do on a weekend afternoon is to stick them in front of the television especially when it is swelteringly hot outside. But Muffin's latest craze is the duck pond at Botanic Gardens and when they ask to be outside, we make it a point not to say no. So armed with bottles of iced water, conveniently packed into a JED Packs thermal bag to keep iced cold and bicycles, we took JED to the park where they chased birds (Muffin), hunted for jackfruit (Evan) and whizzing down slopes (Jordan).  

They only agreed to go home when the racing down slopes ended up with Evan turning a little too quickly and sharply, somersaulting off the bicycle through the air and landed on the grass in tears from the shock. Our reaction after assessing that he was just crying from fright was Thank God Grandma wasn't around to see the big bruise developing on his chest where he met the handlebar on the way down to the grass!

A day like this usually guarantees a really quick bedtime and we got our wish. We were supposed to go out to dinner after JED fell asleep. But we were an hour late because we didn't count on falling asleep too when they did.

Linking up with 

Technorati Tags: JED, weekends

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Giveaway Closed: Painting Castles in the Rain

There have been  quite a few mums talking blogging about being Full Time Working Moms and how they juggle their jobs, their kids and their lives. I'm not sure I qualify as a Full Time Working Mom because I don't clock regular 9-5 hours but my days are packed full and I have to actively carve out portions of time for the children.

Those portions of time are known as 'protected time' by my bosses and they know that should they hazard to call during those times, they are likely to get an Ondine who is frazzled, stand off-ish and makes no qualms about sounding like she needs to get off the phone. The nature of my job can end up with me working round the clock even if I don't head into the office; that is why the 'protected time' is necessary.

Unfortunately, there are times that this isn't enough. Accountants have tax seasons, businesses have the ends of the financial year and teachers have exam seasons. During the exam seasons, I teach two or three times more than I usually do. That means much less time with JED.  When they were much younger and my sense of obligation was much greater than my sense of affection for them, I felt more guilt than anything when the peak season hit. These days, it's different. In the last 5 1/2 years I have developed a serious love affair with JED and I am resentful when anything takes me away from them for an extended period of time.

At an outing to the beach with my aunt once, I lamented that these were the things I would miss when I went back to work. Her response was that I did these things because I did go to work and had I not been going to work, it would be unlikely that I would put in so much effort into taking them out.True that.

So, when it is crunch time like this, I feel more of a need to do something special with them; perhaps to compensate for the little time I have to spend with them. Last week, I took two hours out and went hunting for organic sausages to make our "Sausage Monsters". This week, I decided I was going to organise a play date. It wasn't going to be a play date where the kids just came together to play, although that would be fun too, but a painting play date. JED love mucking about with paint. We have a big stairway area that serves as their 'mucking about' place. I had also found online a craft store called CraftPlay; they sold castles made out of recycled box materials and I thought it would be fun for JED and their friends to paint them all. There would be enough to go around. On top of that, when I wrote to Craft Play telling them that I needed the castles for a play date, they sent me two additional towers. Evan took possession of those towers and declared them the guard posts (he doesn't know the word sentry yet).

Jordan, Chloe (our neighbour), Faith (Jordan's friend), Evan and Muffin were vibrating on the spot rearing to go as I got things ready. Excited little children make great helpers as we lay brown paper on the ground and got them to tape the pieces together. That way, they could sit on relatively clean floor, we protect the floor and they had additional surfaces to paint on.

There was little bickering as each busied themselves painting the various towers. Occasional bits of conversation involved discussing which part of the castle it was that they were busy with; the Queen's bedroom (Jordan), the dining room (Faith), the dungeon (Evan).

 

At the end of it, I asked each little one what they had most fun with.
Jordan: Painting with my friends and making every wall of my tower a different colour.
Evan: Painting under the umbrellas and mixing the water till it got yucky! (The rain was coming in and rather than move the entire exercise somewhere else, I put out big golf umbrellas so that they could hide under it.
Faith: The big bowls of paint and the cheese bunnies (Cheese bunnies were the snack of choice)
Chloe: Painting under the umbrella and painting big towers. Easy to paint.
Muffin: Paint on my feet!

By the end of it, there was paint on all the surfaces, faces, legs, arms, hands and feet. But the final product was bright and in happy colours. Each was proud of what they had done and told anyone who would listen what they had done.

The other mommies were all happy because the kids had been occupied for the previous two hours and they were hungry and cooperative when they went home. As for the JED kids, they were clamouring for another play date like that, with friends and with big pieces of stuff that they could pain.

For me, I had to go; had to take a shower, had no time for dinner and had to catch the train to work. But as I left the house, JED happily waved at me across their dinner bowls and I felt at peace, that I had had my fun with them and I could go to work in happy albeit exhausted peace.

So, what do I think of the Full Time Work Mom schtick? I don't love it but it is my lot in life now. I am thankful that my current job, while requiring me to work ridiculous hours, also gives me little time outs to plan and do things with JED. It is a lot about assuaging my own guilt and resentment. Packrat assures me that they don't mind that I am not around (in fact, they enjoy the fact that the Nazi task master disguised as their mom is occasionally absent and they get to run amok!). But when I know that they are happy and they know that Mommy loves them, I am okay to leave them and go to work.

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Updated:
When we sent pictures of our craft date to Craft Play, they were most thrilled. As a thank you, they're sending us another set of castles.

Since we've had our fun with our castle painting, we're passing this on to a reader who promises to make some kid's / kids day by letting them muck about and throw some paint onto a castle.

We're going to pick a winner for this somewhat randomly, as long as;

1. You leave a comment below, answering the following question, that will most likely feed into our latent fantasies.

- If you could live in a castle and design a room or a suite or rooms, how would you do so?-

When I asked Jordan this, she said she wanted it rainbow coloured.

2. "Like" the CraftPlay page on Facebook here

3. Share the FB link you saw this post on!

We're going to let you channel the Duchess of Cambridge and Martha Stewart for a week and choose a reader to give the castle away to next Monday, the 25th of March 2013.

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And we have a winner!
We've decided it to give it to the reader who thought about indulging herself instead of her kids. It's always good to dream for ourselves once in a while!

Anyway, Adora Tan, consider your dream heard. Now, if only we knew Santa!

So CraftPlay will have to do. They will be in touch with you soon!


Technorati Tags: JED, FTWM, play date, Craft Play

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