Strength

I know there are agnostics and atheists out there who read this blog so warning, post with spiritual, Godly mambo-jambo ahead. But it's my blog so...

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Someone whom I've been talking to a lot, especially on my blue days, asked me this question, which I thought was very pertinent- if things do get as bad as they do get, what gives me strength? It was a question that made me stop short because I never thought of the strength that I had been using to get through things. I'd been basically living minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day and praying that each day is better than the day before. So, when faced with that question, I stopped short and really had to think about it.

And the answer came to me quite clearly. It was my faith. Not generic faith, but Faith with the capital F. And when I think about everything that has happened, it really is a miracle and truly has great elements of grace in it. Right from the get go, when we decided this was the way we were meant to have kids, there were so many risks and the possibility of failure was so high, I couldn't let myself think about it. Possibly because there were so many uncertainties, I stopped trying to be in control and ceded all of it. I'm sure there was a great amount of anxiety still but looking back at it now, with 11 months or so of hindsight, there was a great amount of divine intervention and protection that covered us throughout.

I mean, how else would one explain us being successful at the first attempt? And not just being successful but to have a 100% success rate and be expecting twins. When we found that out, we were terrified because of the increased risk of miscarriage and I read about it on the forums all the time, where twins were expected and one stopped growing or worse still, both stopped growing. And none of that happened. I worried too about pre-term labour, about losing the babies mid-pregnancy because of the sheer weight of the pregnancy, once again, extremely possible with twins and I didn't come close, until the end but that was already 34 weeks and even then, that was put under control very easily.

And now that the twins are here, I look back at the delivery and the days after. The babies didn't need special care, their jaundice was easily dealt with, I didn't have problems with my C-section, no reaction to the epidural, I could breast feed, I didn't have nipples that cracked or bled and I have sufficient milk to feed the two. Once again, blessed and could not have been possible without a greater hand of protection over me and the kids.

So, now in my darkest moments, I think of how there was a greater power at work and that nothing untoward had been allowed to happen to me or the twins and I know even though I cannot physically see, that Someone else is in control gives me that little bit more peace. Even when I was crying buckets at the beginning and the realisation that I had to care for two strangers I knew nothing about, it was my Faith that told me I could do it. I had wondered how it was possible to love two beings that I hardly knew and the answer came to me very quickly and clearly; because it's been done before and I believe that my God does it everyday for everyone even those who are just thoughts in their parents' heads. That realisation humbled me and knowing that slowly showed me how it was possible.

Ultimately, what gives me strength when I feel like I can't go on or when I can't cope? It is this one word- faith, that there had been so many junctures where this dream of mine to have kids could have been thwarted if it was felt that I wasn't ready or I wasn't meant to do this. So, the fact that I do have kids and I have not one but two kids convinces me that even though sometimes I feel pretty shitty about not knowing what to do or am very overwhelmed, I have it in me to do this. It's just a tiny bit inside me that reminds me of this but hey, like they say, all that's needed is faith, the size of a mustard seed.

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