Part Jewish part Catholic

We're back from a week away from the twins. It's not the first time we've been away from the kids but it's been the longest time we've spent away from them. Everyone thought we couldn't do it or rather, more specifically, I couldn't do it- to leave my kids for a week and go away.

Truthfully, I never thought I would have a problem. Afterall, my parents left me behind and went on vacation (I've never quite let them forget about it but it's just me angling for a free trip to the US). On top of that, the role model for my mommy behaviour was my sister-in-law who believed truly and subscribed to the belief that husband came before children and would go away with my brother just so that they had couple time. Before I got married, this was also the advice that was given to me by many couples as well as our marriage counsellor- the marriage before the children. The children would be worse off if all the time was focussed on the kids and not on the couple who were their parents.

Knowing all this, I knew from the beginning that I would be leaving my children at some point to spend some major quality time with Packrat. In fact, there have been many a times when I've looked forward to it because of how emotionally and physically exhausted I was with the twins. We had planned very early on that we would go away at the end of the year. We toyed with the idea of going to San Francisco but did not book early enough to avoid the Christmas rush so there was the slight issue of being able to fly there with no way of flying back. So we decided that we would go somewhere regional and splurge a little bit. Phuket Banyan Tree seemed the perfect way to indulge so off we went. I knew I would miss my babies and true enough, when the plane took off, I burst into tears with the irrational fear that my babies would forget me and not love me anymore.

This however was replaced very quickly with the beauty of idyllic nature of the resort. Little was I to know that this was just a temporary reprieve and my missing the children would manifest itself in great amounts of guilt later on. It reared its ugly head when I saw cute babies on the beach and then questioned myself on why, if these mommies could handle their babies and take a holiday, why couldn't I? Was I that selfish or just that inept? Packrat's exasperated response to that was that the difference lay in the fact that I had twins! Even watching a dumb Jackie Chan movie that we borrowed from the library where Jackie Chan had to babysit a baby he kidnapped damn near sent me to tears everytime the baby in the movie cried. I think Packrat must have thought that his wife was turning into a loony nut job who had dropped a couple of her marbles in the Andaman ocean in the day.

The guilt of leaving my kids behind only really hit full force when we left Phuket and headed down to Bangkok. I think, by then, I was already rested and my crazy mind couldn't justify why I was away from my babies if I already had had the rest I needed. Even expressing milk and tossing it made me feel bad because, the milk was solely for them and here I was pouring litres of it down the drain. And then the breast pump broke down and it breaking down in Bangkok wasn't a matter of over-expressing for my children but more a case of expressing just so that I could go shopping in peace and not have to worry about aching boobs. Totally self indulgent and reason enough for self-flagellation. I realized the only way for me to alleviate the guilt was to shop for the babies. When I was buying things for them, I felt much better because at least, I could, in a warped sense justify what I was doing away from them. So shopped I did and when I had in mind something I wanted to get for them and almost didn't have time to, once agaib the water works started with me feeling heartbroken for my kids who didn't have their mommy. Did I say how over the top and melodramatic I was being?

I think it's the same reason that propels absent parents to feel that it is necessary to buy stuff for the children to make up for their time away. Although, having said that, I don't know anyone in my immediate circle of friends or family that has used gifts to make up for not being with their children. But then again, I came back with quite a substantial amount of loot for them.

It's so easy to feel guilty about so many things. We are so pre-wired to do so and any slight hint or insinuation that what we are doing might hurt our children, the sense of guilt multiplies. The only good thing about feel guilty and missing my children terribly is proof that I have genuine feelings for my children. I love them to bits, I have no doubt about that. But all the recriminations about me leaving my children in the care of other peolpe while jetting off with my husband had penetrated my inner mommy psyche leaving me to wonder if I actually did love them in the lay down your life for them kind of way or whether I just liked them like puppies. In my darkest of moments, I actually questioned if I was a good mom if I was able to leave my kids without looking back. I now know I can't and miss them like crazy and feel like I might be doing something severely detrimental to them by leaving. But then again, I love my husband enough to know that if I don't find time to be with him alone, it would be detrimental to us. So for most part of the year, my children will have my attention but that will be interspersed with sojourns with Packrat, even with the guilt.

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