Back to work mom

I finally go back to work tomorrow after being off work for 8 months. I'm not going to count the 2 weeks when I went back in October because that was part time and I started work at the godly hour of 10 am rather than the usual 7am. I am thus, filled with some sense of hesitation. And my hesitation exists on many levels for many reasons.

1. It is my first day back to serious work after I was put on serious medical leave pending the arrival of the twins in April last year.

2. It's a new place of work. I decided that my previous work place was too far for me to travel to. This had initially filled me with a great amount of guilt because, while I did feel I was ready for a change of scenery, my previous work place had been extremely understanding to me all through my pregnancy and my leave. The only problem was that it was on the other side of the island and the travelling compounded by the shortage of sleep made it a dangerous drive back and forth. So anyway, new work places are always intimidating.

3. I'm sick. 8 months, I haven't really fallen sick but in the last 2 days, I've been sick with 2 different bugs. I had severe food poisoning where I threw up 5 times in the course of 3 hours and subsequently passed out for the rest of the evening till the next morning and then this morning, I wake up with a drippy nose which my brother assures me is caused by the same bug that I ingested that caused the food poisioning. Great. I however, think that it's just a psycho-somatic reaction to me having to go back to work.

4. As ditzy as it sounds, it's important to me. I don't have anything to wear. I can't seem to find my pre-pregnancy work clothes. I'm certain I had a large enough wardrobe not to ever repeat my clothes within a semester but I don't know where they've all disappeared to. And now that my favourite brands have, in the course of the last 2 years become part of a uni student's couture, I need to find new lines of clothes that don't look slutty, grungy or too boho which seems to be trend these days.

5. I'll miss my children and I'm torn. When I'm home, sometimes they drive me so crazy because they're always needing something and I can get through the day without having a clue what I've accomplished through the day. But then now that I'm going to be out at work consistently, I know I'm going to miss them. I'm going to be wondering what they are up to, what new tricks they would have learnt while I've been at work and whether I'll be doing our relationship any irreparable damage by going back to work. This is caused by all the breastfeeding and Stay at home Mom Nazis that have succeeded in imbuing the great demons of guilt and insecurity into my sub conscience.

So all in, I'm not sure about it. I know it'll be good for me though. I know we need the money. I know I need to get my brain working again. And I know that other women have gone before me back to work and their kids have turned out fine- my own mother and sister in law being the prime examples in my life. So, it should turn out okay after I get through my initial jitters. But till then, I'll be missing my kids and counting the hours till I can go home.


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