Pre PTSD

As our kids near their first birthday, we've been very rudely asked by a surprising number of people whether we were planning to have another one any time soon. Even though at some point, I might like to have another child, the sheer thought of anyone expecting it of us this soon is quite incredulous. No doubt, some people do use their child's first birthday to consider having a second one. We also know people who have fallen pregnant with their second child even before their first turned one. The difference between us and them is that we have TWO of them. Often people who express great envy at the fact that we have twins and show great desire to be like us get a look from me and a warning along the lines of 'watch what you ask for'. People who think twins are a piece of cake and are only TWICE the effort of having one should obviously have rocks in their head and should go to twin baby boot camp. Anyway, to quote a good friend, 'there are always stupid people out there'.

Sufficed to say, we're not ready. And we were proven how not ready we are, a few nights ago when Baby J inexplicably woke at 10 pm and yowled till midnight. We knew something was bothering her but we didn't know what. Teething gel to her gums and hot soothing oil to the tummy were to no avail. Neither was the pacifier, bottle or nipple. Eventually she calmed down enough to sob through her sleep between Packrat and myself. Till the next evening, it was easy to tell when Packrat was thinking about the previous night because his face would suddenly take on this shell-shocked quality. When he talked about it, he made clear that that was the very reason why he wasn't ready to have another kid. Because he hasn't quite gotten over the shock of the first two yet.

I think for mommies, it's a little different. Because we weather so much, no matter how distressing the crying becomes, it's just another incident of unfathomable baby behaviour. Unfortunately for this particular father, he remembers every nuance of the cry and every instance of such inexplicable distress. He records it and it is replayed with exponential intensity every time there is an addition. Apparently, I've added to it too, with the tears that I shed at my own ineptitude every time I fail at consoling our children.

At the end of the day, when we take stock, it has been difficult. It's become progressively easier but it's still not without its challenges. It's still stressful, it's exhausting, exasperating and sometimes leaves one feeling extremely panicky. And it's easy to hit that breaking point. Thankfully for us, there are always people to relieve us so that we can step outside, take a breath and regain our footing and composure.

One of our doctor brothers was telling us how he had to treat a 9 month old who had been shaken so hard she bled in the brain and had retinal tears. Of course, outrage was expressed and pain was felt for the child. I also felt a flash of anger and irritation when others who had heard the story began to tsk at the lack of self control, the bad temper and the wrong choice of caregiver that led to the child being harmed. And in the next breath, espouse the joys of having children, especially children who are close to one another in age and how that is the best thing for every couple out there. In my mind, if these people got their way, it would be a recipe for disaster. Yes, it is true that the caregiver bears all responsibility of harming the child. But I've been around my children enough to know that there really is a fine line between restrain and totally losing it because of the child. I can easily imagine how Jordan's continuous crying can cause a person to want to do just about anything to shut her up. I can easily imagine how the lack of sleep, the great exhaustion and being at the end of the tether can cause one to do something that he or she wouldn't normally do. In other words, I can imagine the insanity that someone can be driven to by an inconsolable child.

So Packrat is actually right to have reservations about adding another to our brood right now. We kid and tell people we haven't really got much sleep since the kids were born but there is more than a grain of truth in it. I do often feel like a failure because I'm not the ideal mother to my children. And our children are not the easiest of bubs to care for. I think, either one, on their own would have been fine but the good Lord blessed us with the two of them at the same time and that challenge, while not insurmountable does require every ounce of energy that we have. One day, we will be able to look back at all this and be misty eye and nostalgic about this first year. But we haven't really gotten to that point yet. When I jokingly remarked that we were still experiencing Post Traumatic Stress, Packrat's slightly hysterical and high pitch response was that we couldn't possibly be suffering from that because that would imply that the hard part's all over and we just have occasional nightmares from it rather than still be living in it.

That said, I do miss my bubs being tiny and sleeping all the time. I also know that if given another chance, I'd do a lot of things differently. But such a sociological and selfish reason is not reason enough for me to warrant putting myself and Packrat through all that at this point in time.

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