Raw Hide

There are so many books out there on bringing up toddlers and how to prepare them to go to school. There's the talking to them. And the developing a 'going to school' routine with them that even deals with what to say to them. One thing the books don't deal with, which is sorely needed and yes, I'm going to sound like a big cry baby saying this, is HOW TO PREPARE THE PARENTS FOR PRE-SCHOOL!

And by that, I'm not talking about the Singapore edition where it tells the parents to take some course to teach the kids what they need to know before starting pre-school like perhaps, how to breathe, how to swallow, how to eat and how to walk...

I'm actually talking about how to deal with the heart wrenching experience which is to leave a crying child, or two at the school gate. It requires a mind of steel and a heart of stone. Both of which I pretend to have but don't. Today, Baby J was happily munching on an egg when I decided to leave. I'd already kissed her good bye but she was oblivious as was Evan. But as I made my way to the door, she must have seen me and ran after me. I heard her, her footsteps and her wail of anguish and I just kept on walking, resolutely to the car. Not turning around, knowing that I was being cruel but that it was necessary for her and for me.

By the time I shut the car door, I was a nano second from dissolving into a puddle of self-flagellating tears for doing that to my 19 month old. Anger, guilt, self- loathing, anxiety...all potent poisons to a mother's mind. And they are swirl in there, tormenting me as I drive off with my twins left behind.

I cannot imagine anyone who can do this and not feel anything. From the exterior, I'm sure some see me as indifferent, careless and hard hearted. But I know the truth. I'm over-sensitive, insecure and overly- empathetic. So, while the mature me knows that by leaving and coming back when promised, I'm teaching my twins to trust me, to learn not to depend on me yet know that I'll be there for them, I also cannot help but feel that I'm being cruel. That my children will remember this incident and attribute their potentialy dysunctional behaviour to being unceremoniously dumped by Mommy at playschool. Packrat's very good at reminding me that it's a good thing they're going to school. I know some will disagree and some have put the emotional guilt on me for doing this, but it's the right decision for us and we're standing by it.

So, I'll just have to suck it up and ignore the criticism, allow the crying to fall to deaf ears and develop the skin of a hippo and just patiently wait till the twins can sail through the school gates and wave a nonchalant good-bye. Of course, I'm sure that by that time, I'll be wishing for them to be clinging onto me.

Technorati Tags: babies, parental guilt, playschool