Bound by tradition

No matter how enlightened or liberal-minded I feel that I am, I constantly find myself restricted by cultural traditions and practices. Previously, it had to do with me being a bride-to-be and now, it's because I am pregnant. Some time back, I was told by a cousin that I couldn't visit her newborn child because it is bad luck for the child, since I am pregnant. I took great offence with that but was calmly told by my extremely Christian mom not to make it any more difficult for my cousin.

Yesterday, a grand aunt of a family that is very close to my heart passed away. I remember her to be a diminutive lady, a little bit anxious and nervous but very affectionate, very kind and very generous. I remember how she would, without anyone asking or actually wanting to, hand squeeze orange juice for her grand-nephew and niece. I haven't seen her much, in recent years because she began being forgetful and eventually had to be put into a home. I am saddened by her passing for many reasons. Because any passing is somewhat sad. Because she was in some way, part of my growing up years and partly responsible for my embracing of my Perankan identity. But also because she represents part of a Peranakan generation that when gone will represent a loss to us younger and somewhat bastardized Peranakans. My very own grandmother was part of such a great generation and while her legacy lives on in many things and many of us, we struggle to carry on the traditions she represented.

For these reasons and also to support the family, I would like to be at her wake, at the memorial service tonight and the funeral tomorrow. But I cannot and am not allowed to.

Why?

Because I am pregnant.

My argument was that it is a Christian funeral and such Chinese superstitions should have no bearing especially since my family and my husband's family are all Christian. But the forces are stronger than that argument. Of course, the pretext of modernisation is present. I was told that I shouldn't go because I am pregnant and shouldn't exert myself at situations this stressful. But I know that not to be a reason put forward in genuine concern but one to cover up the discomfort of having me, a pregnant woman bearing a child, being at such an event. And when I tried to seek support from other family quarters, I am told in the most kindly and gentle of manners that perhaps it is not a good idea. Not because we believe in it, because we don't but because the consequences are too great to bear.

Should nothing happen, nothing would be said. But should, by some pure coincidence and misfortune that something does happen, those who have already voiced disapproval will be given ample ammunition to assassinate my character and the blame will be shoved, like the crown of thorns onto my head, without a second thought. All regard for God's power, God's omnipotence and protection will be tossed out the window.

So, rather than lay the ground for something so unpleasant and unnecessary and rather than fight a battle that cannot be won, I will stay away even though the thought of it brings tears to my eyes. But also knowing that how tradition can be much more cruel, as it was with my mother, who was banned from attending my grandfather's funeral because she was expecting my brother, and how my mother, despite how she felt and what she thought, was obedient and respectful of it, gives me the ability to accept that this is what I have to do whether or not it is what I want to do.



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