Reality Bites

When I'm up at 5 in the morning and the whole house is silent and I have only my own thoughts for company, my brain kicks into overdrive and mulls over all the problems that we are facing.

Our need to figure out child-care arrangements. The nanny leaving. Our severe lack of funds. The fact that my helper seems to be a hindrance more than a help. And slowly my world spins.

On a good morning, I get proactive and try and do something about any one of the above. On a bad morning, it sends me spiraling into despair and convinced that I won't be able to get through this.

These are not problems that I can talk to easily with my friends. It sounds trivial, it sounds 'solvable' and it doesn't sound panic inducing. Plus I'm guessing I never tell it right. So much of the time, when panic grips, all I can do is either allow myself to cry or get myself some therapy.

And the best and most easily available therapy now, thank goodness, is free and comes in the form of 3 children, one of whom has a wonderfully intoxicating baby smell and the other two have mega-watt grins and laughter that fills the house.

It's a chicken and egg, vicious cycle thing. If not for the kids, I'd never have to worry about these things. But if not for the fact that I have to worry about these things, I'd never see how great it was to have kids.