Monday, July 20, 2015

Birds and the Bees Part 1

T'was inevitable that at some point, the twins were going to ask how babies were made.

This happened last night. In bed, just before they went to sleep. It started with Jordan lamenting that she didn't want to get pregnant or give birth because it was painful. And my telling her that it was okay to feel that now and she might change her mind later.

It's amazing that even at 8, they could fathom that accidents do happen because her anxious reply was concern about what would happen if they forgot they didn't want a baby and accidentally kissed and as a result, she got pregnant.

She missed a couple of steps there.

That's when I decided it was time that I took them through some basics. In that split second, I decided that I had to be as truthful and as informative as possible.

1. So I used the right terms. There was no couching of genitalia in more cutesy terms that we do on occasion use (though I try to be evasive here).

2. I laid down the ground rules.
a. Girls and boys have anatomy that work together to create a baby. But that doesn't happen till after marriage. Underline, underline, super bold, with exclamation marks.
b. Since the boy parts are more obvious, the definite curiosity must be tempered with the fact that asking a girl where her specific parts are could lead to very dire consequences; ranging from getting slapped to getting arrested for indecent propositioning.

3. I would explain the processes and the parts involved and talk about how to keep safe. (While I do firmly in abstinence, I want to be sure that if they chose any other path, parental wrath and chastity belts notwithstanding, they needed to be safe)

4. I would also explain where we stood as a Christian family.

I didn't quite manage to cover every bit of it. We never made it to the actual process of how a baby was made. What I had not counted on was so much laughter that it was hard to go on. There were obviously questions and here's the 8 year old's toilet humour laced FAQ.

Q. So I pee out sperm???
A: No you don't. You use the same equipment but different things can come out of it.

Q. What happens if pee came out into the woman instead of sperm?
A. You would have a partner who would be extremely pissed off with you (pun totally intended, which they actually got and sent them into greater gales of laughter) and might never ever want to let you go near her again.

Preamble:  I had explained that it was also something that ought to happen between 2 people who loved one another.
Q: What happens if you want to make love but not want a baby?
A: Then there are things that you can use, like a condom. (They had seen a condom before in a coke-Mentos experiment).
Observation: So you use something like a plastic bag to make sure the sperm doesn't swim out?
A: Uhm, yes.
Observation: Then you just throw away the plastic bag? Do you have to tie a rubber band around it so it won't spill into the bin?
A: Well, it's not exactly a plastic bag but it works the same way and yes, you'll have to tie it up to throw it away. That's only polite.

Q: It's like poking right? So won't it hurt?
A: It would hurt if it isn't done properly.

By which time, they were both convinced that copulating was going to be painful, troublesome and required the use of plastic bags.

I did make them both swear not to talk about this in school because knowing them, something would get lost in translation and calls from exasperated teachers or annoyed parents would be likely to follow.

There will probably have to be a part 2 because we never got to the actual bit of how the baby is made. Time to take out the book that I have called "How babies are made.".


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