Delaying the inevitable

When I was pregnant, one of the hardest battles I had to fight with both mothers was to actually hire a confinement nanny who would take care of mine and the babies' needs. I'm glad I blatantly disobeyed them. The confinement nanny was a godsend in many ways. She organized the babies' schedules, she taught me how to express and she made sure that I had enough rest to produce enough breastmilk for two hungry babies- which I must add, is not the easiest thing in the world. What made her extremely special was how much she genuinely loved the babies and would stay up the whole night making sure they were comfortable.

She was also company for me. No doubt I had to speak Chinese to her, but those long days where all I did was feed one baby after another, she was great company, regaling tales of other confinements and talking about life in general. When I watched her handle the babies, I was reminded of my own nanny who stayed with us till I was six. I was so attached to her, I would go home with her on the weekends, totally oblivious to the fact that the weekends were the only time that I got to hang out with my mom and dad. She was more important to me than they were at that point. When I asked my mom if she minded that, she said she didn't because it was a natural attachment and it would have been more detrimental if she hadn't let me go. I still have fond and great memories of her and was very sad when she died last year and I couldn't attend the funeral because I was pregnant and it was just one of those things that wasn't done.

Anyway, my confinement nanny made me miss my own nanny a great deal and made me wish that my children would grow up with the same sort of attention and love that I was given by my nanny. Obviously Packrat and I are still going to be there to love the kids to death but the reality of the situation is that we'll both be working and to have someone around with the kids, that we trust and we know loves them and would protect them fiercely would be a wonderful blessing.

From the moment the nanny arrived, I knew that there would be the day that she would leave and even then, it left me with a sinking feeling. That day has come and she has left. To say that it was difficult was an understatement. The entire morning, it felt like we were just waiting for the moment to come that she had to leave and we were dreading it. It felt pretty much like when I had to send off loved ones overseas and how I kept wishing it wasn't going to happen and the time to leave just crept closer and closer until it was upon us and there was no denying it.

I told Packrat it was pretty much like leaving the hospital all over again even though this time, the babies are much older and there is some sort of routine in place. There was still this sense of loss and fear of what to do next because the crutch that I had been relying on the entire month to make the decisions for me was pulled out from under me and I had to make the decisions. What made her leaving all the harder was also because I felt like I was losing a friend. No doubt one that I had only known for 5 weeks, but we spent almost every waking moment together trying to figure out the twins. I think it was somewhat akin to having gone into battle with someone and that sealing the connection for life. I think it would have been easier if she hadn't been that efficient and she hadn't been that kind. But she was. I miss her and I know the twins do too because they've been crying for her. How I know this is, they'll settle down for a bit when you pick them up but then after a couple of minutes, the howling resumes.

They, like me, unfortunately are going to suck it up, miss her and get on with life. Like my brother says, if nothing else, it builds character, both for the twins and for me.

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