A bad mother

This post is slighlty self-flagellating so please excuse it.

For the first time last night, I wanted to throttle my daughter, or dump her back in her cot and let the maid deal with her screaming being, or barge into my in laws bedroom looking somewhat mad with wild hair and eyes and throw her onto their bed, bolt and slam the door behind me.

Why?

She wouldn't stop screaming. She woke at midnight whimpering. As usual, I came out to check on what was going on. Daisy asked if I wanted to feed her. I don't know why I hesitated. Maybe instinctively, I knew that would lead down a path of little rest. Maybe because I was supposed to take Evan last night. But anyway, my selfish side lost out to my mommy conscience that wouldn't allow me to turn my own child away and I took her. I tried to feed her direct first since her milk wasn't ready but as mentioned, she wasn't too keen. Perhaps that was what set her off but whatever it was, it went downhill from there. She screamed and cried, would stay calm only for short periods before embarking on another screaming bout. I felt increasingly ineffective and Packrat woke up grumpy and to an extremely snappish wife (sorry darling!) and it took an hour to get her calm enough to fall asleep. That was almost half 1. By the time I got to bed it was after 2 because whatever was happening, my boobs still needed to be expressed.

An hour and a half later, the same yowling ensues and it trebles very quickly into full blown screaming. I give her more milk but even while drinking it, she screams and is generally pissed off. Again and again, I shush her and entertain thoughts of dumping her back to the maid. And while I kiss her and rock her, I am not feeling all lovey dovey toward her. In fact, I'm downright frustrated and extremely annoyed at her and want to yell at her or worse yet, want to smack her to shut her up. Thankfully I don't because smacking her will only incense her more and even with a mind half lost, I know that's not a good idea. To all those stupid baby books that say these are the sessions where your bond with your child strengthens- "Go f#$% yourself", seriously. I have never felt so much like throwing her down on the bed or like yelling at her or like banging my own head against the wall.

When she finally did fall asleep and I had an hour or so to do the same before I get up to start the day, I had bad dreams of being a horrible wife and mother and being sternly chided by Packrat. This caused me to wake up in tears because the first thing I remember is how resentful I felt toward my daughter last night and the resonating thought that if her own mother felt this way about her, there was no one to protect her innocent being from the world out there and that was just unacceptable. So I try and pick her up this morning and nuzzle her but all the residual feelings from last night prevent my heart from soaring the way it does usually when I hold her tiny being to myself.

So what do I do? I try harder. I bring the both down to bid their father farewell but I'm irritated because he doesn't help me move the chair even though my hands are literally full with children. With no choice and not wanting to snap at my equally exhausted husband, I drag the heavy rosewood chair ( have I mentioned how much I hate rosewood???) with my foot. The resulting sound causes Jordan to jump and becomes reason for her to scream. Her brother, not to be outdone follows suit and I have two screaming bubs, in stereo. At this point, the straw has broken the camel's back and in my doppelworld, I've snapped, flung the children off me and declare I no longer want anything to do with them. In reality, I'm racked by guilt for entertaining these dark thoughts and have ceded the two kids over to the maids and have gone into hiding in my own room, determined not to appear until I get a grip on myself or until I've had a good cry and feel better about everything. It's that or 9am comes round and I have to go off to work, at which point I would have to leave my room and go say goodbye to my kids. I know I have to do at least that because anything less than that is just plain cruel and I'm in enough trouble with myself as is.

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