Guilt

While talking about feeling guilt in general, I commented that I had the ability to feel guilty about everything from global warming and the drowning of the polar bears to the fact that the my mother was upset because I forgot to give her an inconsequential phone message. The person I was talking to, coming from a different cultural background from me, asked "Why?". My flippant reply was that I was part Jewish. Relating this to another friend, this friend said that the Asian ability to feel guilt could rival the Jewish one and that's why we could feel guilty for the baby of the mommy ant that we had accidentally trampled on.

Anyway, this guilt has reared its ugly head again. This time, to do with my children. I have been increasingly feeling that there aren't enough hours in a day and I feel like I'm neglecting my children even if I'm at home for the most part. Why do I feel like that? Every 4-5 hours, I need to disappear for at least a good hour to bottle sustenance for the babies. And then, I'm either with one baby or the other. The problem is that they've grown big enough for it to be near impossible for me to be carrying both at the same time. So, I have to share my time in order to be fair to them. It becomes a vicious merry go round.

If I am on Evan duty at night, then first thing in the morning, I'd want to hang out with Jordan and that goes on for most of the day and then I feel bad that Jordan's being talked to and carried whilst Evan's left to his own devices on the play gym. And it continues. On top of that Jordan's fussier and more sensitive so in order to calm her down, she's perpetually in someone's arms while Evan has developed this puppy dog look where he looks up at whoever from his bouncy chair with a quasi hurt and puzzled expression that says ' WHY aren't you carrying me?'

It got worse yesterday because I went back to work. I was warned, no matter how often I've ducked out over the last 3 1/2 months, going back to work is different. Sure enough, I felt miserable. To make it worse, Jordan was particularly chatty in the morning and everytime, I looked at Evan, he would give me a big grin, as if to remind me ' this is what you're going to be missing today!' Sigh, 16 weeks old and pros at the emotional blackmail.

To top off what had already started off as a bad day by sheer fact that it marked the end of my leave, was work itself. Looking for a private place to express was damn near impossible. And this is a work place with rooms galore. It led me to mutter about the hypocrisy of the Singapore government, a fact well known, but hammered home loud and clear. If indeed the government wanted us working women to have more children, making workplaces mommy and child friendly had to come after maternity and baby benefits. Having us search for a make shift nursing room is just down right annoying and I categorically refused to use the bathroom. Eventually, I found an empty room that could be locked from the inside and I spent that hour expressing alternating between muttering at the inconsiderate nature of the systen and worrying that someone would bang on the door and possibly get the janitorial staff to break down the door lest there were kids getting hot amd heavy making out. I knew that if that were to happen, I wouldn't be the one embarrassed. I discovered that breastfeeding mommies have very thick hides. I think it comes from realising that your breasts are food items and property of your child's. Anyway, my point is, if someone barged in; it wouldn't be me being embarrassed although I'd be pretty pissed off. The barger-in would see my exposed mammaries, be extremely embarrassed and possibly try to hide the embarrassment by telling me off and making it my fault that I was there to begin with. I would be told off for not finding a more secluded place to do my 'mother' business. I think it would tick them off more than if they found a student couple making out because, then you could hide the embarrassment by yelling at them and threatening explusion.

So, somehow or other, my not being able to find anywhere to express in peace and private would be my fault and although it didn't happen, it could well have and it will be something that I will have to worry about for the next two weeks. A friend suggested that if such a scenario did occur, I could let loose and rant about how lousy staff welfare was and make sure all the higher ups heard about it and I could also threaten resignation on the grounds of not getting enough support for having a family and how that was against the grain of government policy.

I guess I could. And fantasising about that would distract me from missing my two babies temporarily. But for now, now that I'm home and not expressing and not having to angst about work, I shall go sniff the tops of my children's heads.

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