Sparing the rod

Occasionally, Packrat and I have encountered children, not our own, that exhibit such infuriating behaviour that it makes us feel like slapping them. Often the thing stopping us is that we'd either have a lawsuit on our hands, for laying a hand on someone's precious child but more importantly, it really is none of our business although it doesn't stop us from taking the moral ground and dreaming up all the ways we'd do it differently when we had kids. That was before we had kids...

Now that we have kids, we still dream of being strict. Of not letting them get away with blue murder. Thing is we also now have real personalities to contend with. Take Evan for instance. The boy's got a classic baby of the family disposition. He's needy, always likes to be carried, needs the security of our shirts, clothes, anything that smells remotely like us, cries at the smallest thing which includes my leaving the room. At the same time, he's got a cheeky and willful side, knows exactly what he wants and how to cry till he gets it. It's challenging then to leave him to cry to learn that he can't get everything done his way and that Mommy is King. Reason being, being Mommy, I think I'm biologically keyed to react to the crying. Some chemical reaction that gets triggered in my brain that tells me to go to my baby. I suppose it's one of those things that gets hot wired to ensure the existence of mankind.

Then, there's Jordan, who's willful in a different way. She's got a little mind of her own and she knows what she wants. She screams if she doesn't do it and you can't deny that the girl's got tenacity and huge lungs. This means she can cry till she wins because which ever adult is trying to calm her down just gives up with jangled nerves and decides it's much easier to give in.

A counsellor once told me that it would be a challenge to parent the two of them because their needs and dispositions are so different. Packrat is of the school of thought that says you cane the willful nature of the kid. Me, being from a family where I was hardly caned, although the slipper featured quite a fair bit, cannot bear to cane my children. Also, I know how dangerous it is because you don't know the intensity of the cane on the kid's flesh. At least, if I were to smack, my hand would hurt correspondingly to the intensity that which I smack and that in itself acts as a control.

Over the last week, I've decided the children shouldn't be allowed to get away with everything and given into all the time. The first to experience this was Evan.

Evan has the bad habit of twisting, pulling and then biting down on my nipple. It's extremely painful and I'm guessing it's akin to getting kicked in the balls although I really wouldn't know. Anyway, friends have told me to smack the bugger when he bites. Negative reinforcement. Bite Mommy, get smacked on the bum by Mommy. So I tried it. The first time he bit, I warned him in what friends have nicknamed the 'teacher tone'. That didn't even get a blink from him. So the second time he did it, I smacked him. That got his attention and he stopped and looked at me. While looking at me, he took another big chomp which caused me to involuntarily yelp and smack him a little bit harder. I think that was when he knew he had done something wrong and was getting punished for it so he stopped and wailed, with big fat tears and a red face with the "what did I do wrong?" tone. Of course, this led to me explaining why I had smacked him and consoling him and being partially amused that he was so offended and with a partial heartache for having had to smack him.

Now, Jordan. I haven't smacked Jordan yet but I have used the teacher tone with her, as have some others who help with caring for her. As I said, she's willful and will fight any attempt at doing something she's not ready to do. I think she takes after her mother. :) Anyway, when told off, she would stop whatever she was doing and look up but it's often with a look of contempt and a rather indignant "WHAT???" on her face. She also knows how to look displeased at being told off. On occasion, she would accede to what we want, which is usually to settle down and sleep but other occasions, she will get pissed off and cry and scream for not being allowed to get her way. Once again, she does get consoled but she does get a talking to as well for why her behaviour warranted a harsh tone.

I don't know how much of it sinks in but I think it's important for us to show the kids who's the boss around them and much as they like to think they are, they aren't!



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