Tuesday, May 31, 2011

My Decision

For the past half a year, I have had more balls up in the air than I am able to catch, despite how much octopus training a mother naturally gets by sheer virtue of being a mother. Because of how much effort it has been just to go through the motions of everything that needs to be done, I've fallen sick more times than I can care to keep track and in more serious ways than I have ever experienced, requiring two surgical procedures, albeit minor and thousands of dollars in medical bills. At the same time, I apparently have become thin enough to be a poster child for 3rd world hunger and have ground my teeth in my sleep to the point that my molars are beginning to crack. And all that, is just me. I think I have neglected my children somewhat even though I have tried very hard not to. But because there is only one me and I have had to spread myself very thin across job, children, husband and running the household, everything has had to suffer.

So my decision, which has been 3 years coming is to stop work. Yes, I did that once before but not to great success because half way through that, I found myself pregnant and in need of going back to work to cover the expensive maternity bill and the sheer fact that I had another child to feed. This time, the exhaustion and the sheer lack of inspiration at work has made the decision much clearer and easier to make.

There is no doubt I will miss certain aspects of my job. I will miss my students who have been the only reason why I stuck it out for so long. But as I told them when I announced I was leaving, much as I love them, I love my own children more and they are the ones who really need me. I will also miss very dearly my medical benefits (which I hope I need not utilise when I am less stressed out and less exhausted) and my monthly income that gets punctually deposited in my account every month on the same day. But when I weighed it out, I really couldn't justify my professional existence.

So I look forward to a life of financial uncertainty where I will be able to spend the mornings with all three children, afternoons hopefully doing something relatively meaningful and most evenings with my husband. Perhaps this way, I will save my molars, Muffin will start uttering more words and the twins will continue to blossom in their funnily insightful ways and I will have more energy to hold coherent conversations with my husband at the end of the day.

I just need to remember not to get pregnant this time round.

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  1. methinks you suffer too much from mummy-guilt. But yeah! Welcome to the SAHM club! :)

  2. That's a tough decision to make but I think your kids will be all the better for it :)

  3. I still grind my teeth, and I've been home for five years!

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  5. Hi Ondine! I also have a pair of 8mth fraternal boy girl twin and I can totally identify with your blog! I've recently made the decision to stay home too after seeing my son go through his surgical episode.. I think God was hitting it home hard that nothing else matters more than being there for the kids. It isn't as straightforward a decision as what most might think it to be. There are lifestyle and financial considerations. Its a giant leap of faith. Press on!!