I was writing to dear friend whom I have not seen in a long time this morning and I commented to him, regarding motherhood, that I had never known such an ability to feel guilty or insecure. It's easy to hit the right spot and send me into a big puddle of tears. And one would think that a fellow mother whose gone through the same insecurity and I'm guessing guilt would know better than be so heartless as to aim straight at that most vulnerable spot.
When I had commented that Evan had woken up in the middle of the night and wanted to play, the opinion put forward (not that I was asking for one) was " Of course he would. Since he knows his mommy is never around to play with in the day, the only time to do it is at night". That's grossly wrong, unfair and a damn mean thing to say especially when I break my neck trying to get home the minute I am able to leave work. So sue me if I need the money to buy inconsequential things like diapers and food.
Now, if looks could kill, or at least incinerate, there'd be a suspicious pile of ashes lying around right about now.
Technorati Tags: babies, a mother's guilt
Saturday, January 26, 2008
The way to a Mommy's conscience
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good grief u keep bumping into these sorts! my sympathies. absolutely god-awful thing to have to hear.
ReplyDeleteWas reading your other blog about ingesting 'too many' eggs. I don't think nursing mothers need to worry too much about this, esp. since you're actually losing weight..
ReplyDeleteThink of it this way: growing infants need cholesterol in their diet because cholesterol is a constituent of nerve-cell membranes and growing brains are just bundles of growing nerves.
What I would advice is to ingest more fish, maybe take fish-oil capsules. Fish-oil has been shown to be good for brain-development.
Regarding motherhood:
"The Sooner You Surrender, the Better..." -- so said Barbara Curtis, mother of 12, author of 'The Mommy Survival Guide'--one of the best mommy-survival books I've read!! You should get it. I gave one copy to a 1st-time mom-to-be in her baby-shower & am ordering another copy for myself...
From personal experience (me: step- mom of 2, bio-mom of 1), motherhood tops anything else in generating guilt & insecurity, esp. in peeps like myself whose self-esteem is tightly bound-up in perfection and an inner 'scorecard'.
Kids are no respecters of others' 'inner scorecards' and they run on their selfish personal agendas--at least until their upbringing instills a compunction for love & regard for others.
Growing up, we've been groomed on target-oriented pursuits like: how to be an outstanding student, how to get the ideal job, how to be good at my job, how to have a good marriage, how to be the perfect wife, how to have a 'martha-stewart-esque' home, etc...
I would submit that all of these situations are much more structured and have much clearer, upfront, and constant expectations & boundaries than motherhood has. So it's much easier to get a hold of these situations than being the 'good' mother for each kid at all times.
For one thing, motherhood is 24/7. Although marriage is also 24/7, at least you're dealing with another (hopefully) mature human being who's also expected to 'give n take'.
Each kid is an entire unique human being with his own constantly changing complexities -- what works for one kid doesn't work for another, and what works for one kid this month doesn't work anymore the following month..
Motherhood expects and does take from your all--I mean ALL--even your self-esteem, your 'me-time', your cherished paradigms about the world, values, even your self-perception -- things the kids will whittle away with even more frightening intensity once they hit their teen years...
And modern psychology has become a kind of 'blame-game' that traces the origins of adult foibles to unfavorable childhood experiences, which I think is a cop-out for 'adult-kids' and puts unreasonable expectations in our minds as parents.
I think of it this way: kids have a freewill and ultimately they are responsible for their choices. In the very same family with the very same gene-pool & upbringing, you can have kids who turn out to be angels or rogues.
Kids who have grown up WITHOUT A MOTHER have turned out well. Don't let people tell you--more importantly, don't let the kids think--that being a working mom is a form of neglect. If anyone does, they're just being the wimpish products of 20th-century psychology. As long as you've provided for their basic needs, the rest they've got to learn to fend for themselves, and the 3 mantras to nurture in any kid are:
Be Grateful,
Be Of Service, and
Be the Best You Can Be. [so says the 'mommy survival guide'!]
Even Saddam Hussein understood this. After his capture, when quizzed about his sons who were notorious rapists & committed atrocities which even he himself had not done , he responded: You can't choose your kids. You're landed with what you've got, oftentimes despite your best efforts.
I'm not sure Saddam Hussein is the best example to illustrate this... :-\, but I think you get my drift.. :-)