Becoming Lorelai

One of my favourite television shows till they ruined it for me was Gilmore Girls. I loved it for many reasons. One main reason was Lorelai Gilmore.

1. I learnt about Kate Spade from the show.
2. She sure had quirky clothes, that were either too bo-ho or too glam for me to carry off.
3. She went everywhere in boots or stilettos.
4. She spoke really fast and went off tangent most of the time. I loved her ability to do the stream of consciousness talking but make sense in another dimension.
5. And most importantly, she was a cool mom.

She and Rory had a great relationship. They were friends, they talked, they shared clothes and did silly things. Basically, everything a real mother-daughter relationship lacks, they shared. When I knew I was having a girl, secretly I hoped, despite my Asian hang ups and having been brought up in an extremely patriarchal, authoritative family, that I would be able to share that sort of relationship with her.

When Packrat heard about it, he laughed and told me it was impossible. Like Hollywood romances, Hollywood mother-daughter relationships are a myth. I think I was complaining that Jordan wanted her Grandpa to carry her instead of me and I was trying not to feel slighted about it. My eternally patient Packrat rationalised that she does the same with me when I carry her, holding on to me with a koala grip and having to be peeled off. I petulantly demand that I wanted to be at the top of her pecking order. I know I can't force it. Neither can I force that my children will tell us everything when they are older.

This was where we started talking about what we wanted our relationships with our kids to be like. Idealistically speaking, I want them to be able to come to us when they're in trouble. Packrat thinks that we should be resigned to the fact that we never told our parents everything and we shouldn't expect the same of our kids. That we always had friends to go to or siblings to confide in. And even then, we never told our siblings everything either. This was the point where I began to get suitably antsy. Now, knowing how much paranoia and anxiety a mother can go through, I feel the irrational need to know everything that will happen in the lives of my children. Of course, these are concerns that won't matter for a long time yet, but building that relationship of trust has to begin now otherwise, the poor child like the children I see ferried to school everyday will sit in silence and wait to be released from the car into the welcoming arms of his or her friends. Or the parent that comes to school to talk to the teachers about his child but has absolutely no clue what class the child is in or what subjects the child does in school.

I know what I don't want. I know what I want. A lot of what I want is impossible but I guess the point is to try even though that needs to be tempered. I don't want to bend the direction of the paranoid mom who shelters her kids to the point that they live in a bubble and don't know how to tie their shoelaces. But at the same time, I don't want to give the kids so much autonomy that they'd rather turn to their friends than to us.

We don't have very good role models ourselves. Ours was the generation where parents were disciplinarians more than anything else. And I remember being annoyed with my mom so much of the time. I think I need to figure out why I was annoyed with her so that I can try my darndest not to be like her but at the same time, figure out how to do this parenting business.

If only I could be Lorelai and things were that straightforward. But it is the real world out here so the lessons are harder to figure out.


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