Thing 4: Staying up, staying home

Evan's got fever again. I'm hoping it's a teething thing; he does have his incisors coming through. We knew something was up when the regular Munchster refused lunch, was fussing, wanted to be carried, was clingy and burst into tears at anything or nothing. When he gets like that, we know something is up. It's a better radar than the thermometer which can be erratic at times. The problem is, in this case, we hate being proven right.

What usually happens is palliative in a way. We don't know what causes the fever, we just have to make sure it stays down and he is comfortable. Thankfully unlike his sister, he's quite happy to take the paracetamol syrup. The problem is the fever comes with so much discomfort, he is needy through the night. This, from a child who sleeps through the night. But because he regularly sleeps through the night, I treat any disturbance to this routine as extraordinary and not to be ignored.

This meant, I was up with him at 2.30 and 4.30 and 5 and then now, for the day since I do have to go to work this morning. I don't begrudge him for it. But at times like that, I do wish I did not have work or had work that was much more forgiving when it came to schedules and sick children. It's just a fever, they will say. It's not a problem that other people can't fix, they will say. You have responsibilities here, to other people's children, they will say. So, I can't stay home and take care of my own child much as my heart bleeds for him. Strangely enough, that doesn't make me feel like a bad mother as I ought to.

For me, a person who has been self-centred and expected the world to revolve around me all my life, it's a huge step toward progress. Pre kids, I think I would have been resentful if someone alluded that I should stay home with the kids, not because of the expectation but because it meant I was giving up my personal freedom, my space, my ambitions. It would send panic down my spine because I would wonder what would become of me if I did that. It still does at times, I still maintain I cannot be a full time stay at home mom because my mind is far too active to be content with the interactions that 13 month olds can provide. But if I had the choice now, especially at this point in time, I would not be working in the job that I am at because it doesn't offer me the choice to be with my kids when they need me or be with my kids at the best part of the day for them.

But the reality is that I am at this job, till the end of the year and I have to work because we need the money but the revelation of how much I'm willing to do for my kids and give my kids is comfort enough. That perhaps, I have not really failed the Mommy exams. That I am perhaps, a good Mommy because I feel for my kids and love them enough to want to be there rather than dump them, forget about them and see work as a refuge from them.

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