Fear

There were so many other things that I wanted to blog about, for the kids once my crazy work ended. I wanted to blog about their new crazy antics. I wanted to blog about their expensive tushies and how stupid it was that what occupied my thoughts for most of the day was how I was going to find them the diaper that didn't give them rash but was going to be discontinued. But all that's been overshadowed.

Overshadowed by protecting them and fears for their safety and at the same time trying to juggle that with ensuring that the impact on them is minimal. I've been a mom for about 15 months and it's not till the last week that I've actually feared for my children and my imagination fed off all the horror stories that I'd heard at one time or another but had just dismissed and shoved to the dark recesses of my mind.

But when all of a sudden, you don't trust the caregivers that help look after your children when you're at work, nothing can function. As I kissed my children goodbye yesterday, after having been on emergency leave to sort out the shit for the last 2 days, panic gripped me because irrationally, I feared for them. And I think, at the end of the day, whether or not the fear is real or perceived, one should never have to worry that way about their kids when they're at work. I spent most of the time at work yesterday worrying and being in a daze about the kids and the entire situation. And I wanted to get home as quickly as possible and that doesn't work for me. It's becoming more and more apparent that I need to stay home with the kids. I need to take their upbringing into my own hands because only then will I feel safe. But how practical is that?

The problem is nothing I am doing now or thinking now is driven by practicality. It's driven by emotion. It's driven by my love for my children. It's driven by fear that something could possibly happen to my children. It's driven by anger that the trust that I had in the caregiver has been violated. It's driven by stress because the last week was a nightmare. It's driven by exhaustion because I've been running on adrenaline and desperately need some down time but no one dares to let the kids out of their sight at this point. So, it's driven by everything but rational thought.

Rational thought does not exist when the first thought you have when you cannot locate your child is that your helper has run off with the child and all those stories and all those scenes of from movies where you're looking at a crowded mall through the eyes of the mother and you can feel panic build are true.

So right now, I'm finding it hard to breathe, let alone function when I think about what is going on. Everyone says it'll tide over. Everyone says that the kids are still in good hands. On one hand, I know that because I believe in a Higher Power that will ensure everything runs smooth. On the other hand, I think of my children and look into their eyes so full of trust and love and my heart sinks because there's so much that can harm them and I'm not there all the time to protect them.