Flavour of the month

Because we have twins, we are often asked if we have a preference of one over the other. Of course, the politically correct answer is we love them both equally. The truth of the situation is we sometimes have a preference but it is not a constant preference. It is often dependent on time of day and we usually gravitate toward who is the easier baby of the two at that point. And because they each have their moods, it sort of works out quite equally as to who is preferred over whom. For instance, after taking the twins to pick up their father yesterday, Baby J decided she was without a doubt, NOT going to sit in her car seat. There was great screaming and arching and keeping her body plank like so there was no way to manoeuvre her into the seat. All these hysterics were calmly and bemusedly watched by Evan who was kicking his legs in the air and neatly strapped in.

Then this morning, there was Baby J sleeping sounding on my bed when Evan against all orders toddled in determinedly and with one look at his sleeping sister, started banging away on a plastic step I keep in my room. This led to me hauling him out and him stamping his feet, flailing his arms and screaming on top of his lungs, thereupon waking up his sister and incurring the wrath of the mother. All this while Jordan yawns sleepily, has sleep hair and grins at me.

So, yes, we have a preference, a preference for who does not send our blood pressure sky rocketing. When they're both easy at the same time then we think it's a breeze to have twins and we should have another set (NO! I'm kidding here!). And when they're both equally bratty then we want to dump them with someone else, take the car and drive away very fast.

But the problem I've realised, isn't really us. I've seen other people play favourites, either with my children or with their own and it's scary and I feel indignant on behalf of the ones that get neglected. A friend of ours will allow one of his children into his room where there are all his precious tech toys but forbid the other from even putting his nose in. And I've seen my own child get ignored, when clamouring for attention because the Adult is busy fawning over the other sibling. When this happens, I feel hurt and hope that the ignored child never realises that in the eyes of the Adult, he/she is second place.

The problem is children often sense these things before they can articulate it. And they respond to it. I know Baby J often does because she's hard headed and dogged. So, if she gets ignored or does not get the attention she is looking for, she will ignore that person and go in search of someone else who will give her time of day. And because she does that, the Adult takes offence at being ignored, takes it out on her by paying more attention to Evan and causes Baby J to gravitate further away and respond in the same way. When I see it, I feel frustrated and am not sure what to do. Of course, I can encourage Baby J to still approach the Adult and encourage her to give the Adult kisses and hugs. But I can't control her instincts. Neither can I talk to the Adult and point out that all the Adult's attention has been on Evan because that is the fastest way to create a defensive wall and possibly cause more to be taken out on Baby J. So, my hands are tied. Thankfully, the favouritism plays out in a way. There are the Baby J camp of people and the Evan camp of people and while I don't encourage this at all, at least both have their own cheer squad. It doesn't make the problem any better but at least I can be guaranteed that at any one given one moment, both children are well loved and protected.

And of course, Packrat and I are just the people who produced the children and we're chopped liver and all that much lower on the pecking order. This was very clearly illustrated when the twins' grandparents were away and every message home was about how much they missed the twins and how much the twins would love it where they were. So, even though we are the children of our parents, our parents' flavour of the day/month/year is not us but their grandkids.

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