Keeping the Faith

The worst is over. We're finally out of limbo. We sent back Aunty D yesterday to much sadness but with great necessity. Regardless of how much the kids loved her and how good she was, I couldn't trust her anymore and that meant there was not much point keeping her around. However, that didn't mean it was going to be easy because she has indeed been my right hand since the kids were born and it's hard to send away someone who genuinely cared so much about the children. And over and above everything else, before I became an employer, I was human so I have a heart and the heart is irrational and emotional.

The slate has been wiped clean and we have two new helpers. The problem is they are two new helpers who don't know jack. This meant, telling them to wipe a shelf in the fridge meant switching the entire fridge off. Soaking apples in salt water before serving them meant serving them in the salt water. And the list goes on. What stressed me out more than switching off a fridge full of breast milk was the fact that the kids weren't keen on them. Of course, I'd been warned about it. But it still didn't prepare me for two clingy kids, one literally hanging off each of my legs.

The bright side to this entire saga was that I realised that even without capable Aunty D, we were well able to handle the kids and I loved being with the kids, despite how bone tired I am. I shall blog about how I've been subsisting on 3 hours of sleep a night and finally crashing last night when I have enough energy to do more than one blog post at a time. Even this is taking concerted effort. Anyway, back to enjoying being with the kids.

The darker side to this discovery is that I find myself turning into one of those moms that I have always shaken my head at. I guess, you could say, it is my come uppance. Anyway, I used to think that mothers who revolved their lives around their kids and refused to go anywhere without the kids led unhealthy lives (I'm talking about those who do it out of choice rather than necessity). Those who want to have their kids surgically attached to them. Those who relegate their husbands to second place and make sure their husbands know it. I haven't really gotten to that point yet, but with the discovery that I can handle the kids and I do enjoy it, I have become very territorial and possessive over them. This means, I want to do everything by myself. I don't want to relegate any time to anyone else and I much rather bathe them, feed them and get them to sleep all by myself, even if it means, I'm exhausted and fall asleep holding the bottle to the baby's mouth. For the entire week, Packrat's been trying to get me to go out for dinner, to recharge and just so that we can have a conversation that doesn't require us to speak over the din of yammering that is our twins. But I haven't been able to because the sheer thought of having someone else get the kids to sleep activates my tear ducts and the waterworks get turned on.

I try to explain it to him, with a little bit of a sinking heart and horror at what I've become and at the realisation that I can't seem to stop myself from sliding into it. Well, not easily anyway. Thank God for an understanding husband who could articulate the reason for my behaviour. I've been betrayed and I don't trust anyone anymore so I rather do it myself even if everything else around me has to come to a stand still. In my eyes, I trusted Aunty D and since she betrayed that trust, it's hard to allow anyone else to do it. It's my way of protecting myself and protecting my children.

I know it can't go on. Because of this manic behaviour, I'm hitting a wall. I have a full on 3 weeks at work and I can't do that on 3 hours of sleep a night regardless of how hard I work my body. And I know I need to let go and let our new helper try and get to know the children and take some of the work off my hands. In Packrat and an aunt's words, I can't be there all the time because I have to work and I have my husband too, to take care of and children are hardly. If anything, the last weeks should have assured me that the children do indeed love me and would choose me if push came to shove. And on top of all that, we are slated to go away at the end of the year and my encouraging the children's dependence on me by being around all the time will only end up harming them. And I wouldn't want that.

All the connundrums that I have to face. So I have done the next best thing today. I have declared at home that I have to be at work. I have taken my lap top and my work and parked myself somewhere where I have wireless and can sit down and get some work done as well as blog, something I find hard to do when I'm at home. I still miss the kids. I still want to go home to them and play with them. But I have to, in the words of Packrat, practice tough love. For them and for myself. Sniff.

Technorati Tags: babies, Domestic help