Tuesday, January 08, 2013

Not a Mama

I was lying in bed one evening, while getting the the kids to sleep and was suddenly struck by the surrealness of the situation.

It suddenly suddenly occurred to me that who I really was and who I perceived myself to be was completely different.

If I ever had an out of body experience and could look down at myself, what I would imagine myself to be is my 18 year old or my 25 year old self that is unencumbered, has tea often with friends and when the mood hits, out to supper at far flung places like Buckaroos at Jalan Kayu or Sunset Grill at the Seletar Air Base.

But the strange thing is that I "know" that my lot in life now is different. I "know" that I am a mother. I "know" that I look sleep deprived and tea with friends is a treat and Sunset Grill, I think has closed down.

But where it is surreal is that my imagined self hasn't caught up with my real self and it doesn't seem to want to reconcile itself. 

I know I resent it much less and embrace it much more. But I guess at heart, I am still a girl. The mom and the wife, those are just roles.

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  1. Yeah, I can identify with this sudden uncomfortable loss of self.

    I felt it more so when I was a SAHM, but seemed to regain much of my sense of self when I went back to work.

    Motherhood, much more than marriage, was like an ingredient added such that I'll never be the same again. Change for the better though, I hope!

  2. Love ur entry! That's why it's important not to lose ourselves in the midst of motherhood. Go out with the kids, have bonding time out of the house.. there's alot of things to do.. whether we want or don't want. Of course, it's not cheap to like go anywhere u want, esp with more than 1 kid.

    By the way, Sunset Grill moved to Jalan Kayu =)

  3. Thanks all! It's nice to know that I'm not alone here! :)