Supermom

I'm posting this post on both blogs because this is one issue that concerns both facets of me.

The time has come for me to decide what I will do next year. It's been a very big struggle with a great amount of to-ing and fro-ing, trying to come to the ideal position. From the outset, even before I became a mother, I had already decided that the whole Stay At Home Mom schtick just wasn't for me. No offence meant to those who are Stay At Home Moms. I have utmost admiration for them. So with that option out the window, I had to figure out what I wanted to do and how I was going to do it.

There were parameters that had to be marked out first. And even that caused me grief. Do I work full time? Do I go part time? Do I stay at the same place? Do I move? Do I stay in teaching? Do I look for something totally different to do? Should I settle for less pay?

The last 4 months have been filled with frantic SMSes from my current boss trying to get a pulse on my intentions, me flipping through the Recruit segment every weekend lamenting the fact that I'm qualified as heck but trained for nothing. I applied for some jobs, interviewed for a couple and narrowed my options and was down to two. That's when it got tough.

It was between
a. part-time job that afforded a little bit more flexibility, was closer to home but meant I took a 1 grand pay cut and my career got put on hold.

b. a full-time job with a promotion that included a $500 pay raise, promising prospects, a challenge but would have meant longer hours, a half an hour drive one way, being the target for vicious politics and small mindedness.

I tried to figure out why it was so hard to come to a decision. At the end of the day, it boiled down to family vs career which should then make the decision an easy peasy one. It took me a while to figure out why I was reluctant to make the right decision.

All my life, I'd been taught to be independent, that my brains mattered, that I should always strive to do the best I could. If I stopped work, I'd be dependent on Packrat's state-controlled wage, my brains would be used for singing nursery rhymes and speaking in a most repetitive of manners and my job description was "mommy" and there were no promotional prospects. On top of that, there's that voice of my own father, booming in my head, reminding me like he did all those years ago that I was a. a girl and therefore did not need to be educated so much b. costing him a shit load of money to educate so I'd better not quit work once I had kids and c. to always look after myself financially and not depend on my husband.

On top of that is incongruity that exists in my head about how good I am at my job and how I am now deciding on whether to go part time and generally coasting, forsaking any opportunity I get to do well, get noticed and all those seemingly important things in life.

And.

If I chose to do that, there's further incongruity and dissonance seeing that I do want to be around for the kids. I am not about to become a mother who has the kids and fobs them off to someone else to care for them. On top of that, something deep inside me chides me for considering going back to work full-time especially when we waited so long for them and wanted them so much.

So this wrestling match has been going on, day in day out on the battlefield that is my head. Some days, I marvel at the fact that my brain doesn't blow up from all this stress because this is but one of the MANY things that my brain's wrestling with and stressing over.

At the end of the day, I decided I had to stop trying to be rational because I was going slightly stir crazy and just go with my gut. So far, my gut hasn't let me down and finally, yesterday, I gave in and decided based on instinct. It felt good to have finally made a decision but at the same time, I felt a little bit panicky because I had closed one door and behind that door was actually a possible solution to my current woes!

Anyhow, it's all said and done even though the paper work hasn't been submitted. Next year brings about different things and hopefully it won't be half bad.


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