Who are you and what have you done with my Mommy?

My mom once told me about how much my eldest brother infuriated her while she was cooking that she brandished a chopper at him and threatened to chop him up into little pieces if he came into the kitchen and bothered her again. Of course she didn't mean it but in the last weeks, I can see what drove her to make such exasperated threats.

Even though I have help, I feel like I'm managing the 3 children all by myself. I don't count Packrat because he needs to get to work, is at work or is flat out knackered from work. So I try to be everywhere at the same time.

Someone told me to delegate. That I should delegate so that I don't drive myself crazy. I get that. And there's great irony in that. When I had the twins, as a new mom, alien to the concept of motherhood, I was all too ready to delegate. Anyone who would take the babies from me, who could look after the babies on my behalf, I let them and a lot of time, I went out. Anywhere. Starbucks to have a drink and an hour of quiet time to read. The shopping malls to shop to my heart's content. The spa for a facial or a massage. The therapist so that I could pour my heart out about how I didn't think motherhood for me and was I doing my babies an injustice by being so uninvolved. In a nutshell, I was pretty self-absorbed after the twins. Of course, with great self-centredness came great guilt. Even though I ran off, I always felt guilty. I think it was just that when I was around, I had no idea what to do. But on the plus side, I had plenty of ME time. That guilt eventually also drove me to play with them a lot more. Granted I didn't want to get them to sleep or do any of the child-minding stuff but I had great fun playing with them. More so as they got older.

My year off last year was spent concocting ways to play with them and have fun with them. And even though I felt like I was a little bit absent when they were babies, I was very close to them and they to me. No doubt, I was the stricter parent of the two, but I also had plenty of hugs and kisses and smiles for them. I took great joy in doing things that made them chuckle and guffaw with glee.

Enter Muffin.

Packrat once said that alot of what I do is reactionary. Because I was emotionally absent at times with the twins and had no idea what to do with them, I was determined not to be like that with Muffin. And I haven't been. I have tended to his every need. Our helper doesn't go near him so it's just him and I most of the time. I work my baths and meals and computer time around him and his feeds. I am up at night when he is. I am thankful that by all counts, he's an easy baby. But even then, it's still a big handful.

Especially with Evan and Jordan added into the picture. I try to still give them time, attention and make it a point to kiss them, cuddle them and show them that I love them. But I only do have 24 hours in a day, much of it is spent tending to the needs of one or two or all three of them. Because of that, I end up being short with the older two whom I expect to be a bit more obedient or ready to take instructions.

I suspect that they know that they now need to share me with Muffin and while I think they haven't figured to resent it, they know that if they acted up, they get a little bit of me. Once again, I think they haven't figured out that that little bit of me that they get is the more nasty bit. The bit that is less friendly, less smiley, infintely more snippy, stern and no nonsense.

Jordan especially openly defies me and pushes me to the point where I want to retract my earlier declaration of not having a cane in the house. But at the same time, when I eventually carry out whatever threat I made, I see a look of hurt in her accusing eyes and the question along the lines of 'what have you done with my Mommy?'

And of course, there is guilt there too. For taking the twins in hand. Everyone says it'll help them grow up faster and mature. Of course that's good but does it have to come at the expense of my being the bad guy/cop?

At the end of the day, it's a lose -lose situation. I could be less involved with Muffin and have guilt eat me up there like it did with the twins or I could be hands on with him and the twins but be more frazzled, tired to the brink of being dizzy, snippy and of not much use to my older twins in terms of stimulating them.

But like a friend said while bemoaning that his wife is no longer his wife but his kid's mom, that's the reality of the situation. And like I have to suck it up and just get through each day with the mantra 'This too shall pass", so will my kids. And I think of how our parents coped with us and less help and how we turned out fine, I am in some way comforted that my children will too! Of course, that is if I don't brandish any sharp instruments at them first!

Kidding.

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