Sunday, February 05, 2012

Down to a trickle

Today is Muffin's second birthday. And officially I have breastfed for 4 years 8 months minus a full 40 week pregnancy in between. And it is over.

I had decided that I would breastfeed Muffin till 2 because that is what I did for the twins. Fair is fair.

But I feel a void. It has been such an integral part of my life that now that I no longer express milk for Muffin, I feel lost. I feel a little bit guilty stopping. But I also know that he is now a big boy and doesn't really need the breast milk anymore.

I think there is more finality to it because this is it. There will be no more. My boobs will never be used to provide sustenance for my offspring. My boobs, hereon will be cosmetic. For show.

It has been a good run though. The tiny 2 kg twins who, while still on the smaller side are strong and Evan seems to be heading in the direction of strapping. Jordan, while petite has impressively toned legs. Muffin, even though he wasn't born as tiny has been stronger than the twins were in their first two years, with milder and shorter drawn infections.

So I've done my job. Some people say at my expense because at times, gaunt could be the word used to describe me. And I am pretty sure that my bones have thinned out calcium wise because of it. I suppose now is as good a time as any to actually start taking care of myself. I could also start running again. There is so much potential with what I can do with my new freedom.

But strangely, I mourn the loss of my usefulness to Muffin. I know he still needs me, in fact, he koala bears me now more than ever. But being able to give him boob juice was something only I could do. Everything else, everyone else can do.

And most of all, I will mourn the loss of the additional 500 calories that I burn, just by breastfeeding. For myself, it wasn't the larger fuller boobs that I loved. It was that.

Now, to keep the 500 calories off, I have to run very very far.


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