Sobering up

Over the Lunar New Year, I rang my confinement nanny to wish her a happy new year and we got to talking. She mentioned that she had a bit of a breather from April to August, more or less. At that moment, I thought to myself how perfect. All the caregivers that help care for my children have decided that for 2 weeks in June, they are all taking a vacation. That leaves the twins to just Aunty D and I. I think we would survive although thinking about it stresses me out. But when Nanny told me she was actually free, I thought why not hire her for the two weeks to help out. This gives us an extra pair of hands and eases the pressure and exhaustion that we were guaranteed to feel especially since, from the looks of it, the twins would be running around by then. When I told her the dates, she hesitated a bit and told me she had to let me know. It would depend on whether or not the baby was successful. I thought it an extremely strange reply even if it was said in Chinese.

She went on to explain that the baby she is to look after in June wasn't developing properly and the brain was severely underdeveloped. Apparently, it was one of those situations where the expectant couple were asked if they wanted to terminate the pregnancy because it was most likely non-viable. Because the couple is Christian, they decided against it and will carry the baby to term.

I had a horrid taste in my mouth and a strange hollow feeling in my tummy after that. I couldn't help but think how awfully heartbreaking that must be for the couple.When I heard that they'd be trying for the longest time, I felt even worse. I don't mean to sound condescending and if I do, it's because there's no good way of expressing how I feel but I couldn't imagine having to be faced with making that decision. We wondered fearfully, as all expectant parents do, if our babies were ok. We tried discussing what would happen if they weren't but that discussion never got anywhere because it was a situation neither of us could bear to consider or talk about. And now that we know our kids, we are selfishly thankful.

Packrat made a good point. When I first talked to him about asking Nanny back in June, he was keen and interested and I was quite excited. I had good times with her and she genuinely loved the kids. But after hearing this, he soberly told me that if Nanny was able to come help us, it would be because that baby didn't make it and that meant there was a couple out there who had lost their baby. Even though we know we would have had nothing to do with it, we would still feel guilty about it.

So as I sit here and write this, I am overcome with the overwhelming urge to wake my babies up, hug them tight and whisper a prayer for them.