Wednesday, February 09, 2011

Heart sick

My helper leaves today. And I feel a whole host of emotions. I am stressed because I need to train a new helper and I am uncertain of her capabilities when it comes to looking after my children, especially the littlest. But more than that, I am heart sick and very sad.

Twice this has happened. When the twins were 16 months, our helper then went back too. That was a grand fiasco but it didn't detract from the fact that she too was a good helper and she loved the kids dearly. We were distraught then too, to see her go. And now, history repeats itself with Muffin.

I am heartsick because the children will not remember these helpers who stayed up with them, rocked them to sleep, cleaned up their puke and basically were there for them when I was at work. And because they were so involved in the children's lives, they loved the children dearly and it saddens me that the children will not remember that. The twins don't remember their first Tita and Muffin will not have a clue either.

Some people have said to me that these women have been just that, helpers. And that I shouldn't be so emotional about it. I am aware that they came as helpers but I don't think it stopped them from loving my children as their own. I am also not that possessive and jealous to stop them from loving my children. In my book, if these helpers have loved my children, they have done good by me and deserve my thanks.

There are also others that hint, not so subtly that it should be me that should be there to tend to the children and love the children. In an ideal world, yes, I should be there all the time. But with preschool education, bus fare and a whole host of other bills that have to be paid for every month, this is my lot in life. And I am thankful that these helpers have stood in, in my absence and helped with my children.

In the last week, I have gone through the 5 stages of grief very quickly. I have been angry and resentful, I have felt guilty and I am now just very very sad and I grieve. I grieve for my baby son and I also grieve for the loss of a person who, like I say, despite her flaws loved my children dearly. And because I know she has, it is only right for me to let her go and deal with her problems with her own child.

I told Packrat, I hate starting over and that it is akin to entering a relationship of sorts. It is after all, a relationship. Anyway, I fear that the new one won't work out. That there will be an incompatibility and that she will also at some point leave. That's the thing with relationships isn't it? They are fraught with uncertainty.

His reply when I tell him my fears? He doesn't tell me not to invest so much in it. He just tells me to have faith and trust. And also to know that everyone, including the children always land on our feet.

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